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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Eternal Importance

If I'm being completely honest, I'm not very good at prioritizing.
If I'm being completely honest, I'm not very good at distinguishing between what needs to happen and what I would like to happen.
If I'm being completely honest, by the worlds standards I have a lot of things backwards and not right and out of whack.

but ya know what? I don't really care.
I give a lot of my time to things that matter to me. and I don't say that to be prideful, or to make y'all think "oh, she's such a servant" because this is not about me. but i say this because a lot of people may think that I give too much. but i have too much, so why not give it away? Jesus gave His life and if i want to be anything like the One who loves best and serves best and is accepting and giving and merciful beyond comprehension, then I have to give more.

Jesus' own words: "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much more will be required..." 
I have been so blessed. People have been willing to pour into my life and give themselves to me. Why should I not do the same thing?

Finals were this week. If you didn't know that, you're probably 1. old, 2. dumb, 3. living under a rock.
I haven't gotten enough sleep. I have studied entirely too much. My mind is exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. and watch TV. and never think about school work again.
I didn't too so hot in my classes this semester. I really, really will do better next semester. and all the ones after that. But looking back, I don't really regret anything.
I needed to learn that life isn't easy. and just because things don't come easily to me, doesn't mean that I should give up. I gave up this semester. It sucks. I shouldn't have quit trying, but I did. that, I regret.

I don't, however, regret staying up so late talking about life with my roommate that I couldn't pull myself out of bed in the morning. I don't regret not going to a review session because I was coming home from the most awkward/awful/adventurous weekend in College Station with my three best friends.
Because in the long run, my grades don't matter.
years from now, I'll hardly remember the stress and anxiety I'm feeling right now.
I won't recall how I cried in the shower thinking about talking to my parents about how I probably won't graduate on time, and how I didn't try my hardest this semester and how disappointed I am in myself.
I won't remember everything I've learned about accounting, and psychology, and business law, and microeconomics.

I will remember that sometimes awkward can't be avoided.
I will remember how rewarding Capernaum is.
I will remember how much fun it was living with my best friend.
I will remember baking cookies for my neighbors and then running away.
I will remember having the very first inclusion club, and taking our first kids to Polar Bear weekend.
I'll never forget the ways the Lord has provided  for me.
I'll remember romance novels and smooth jazz. (channel 935)
I'll remember feeling passionately for things.
and I'll remember that people can be disappointing. but the Lords great love never fails.
I'll remember playing my first gig at Mama Carmens.
I'll remember doing ridiculous things in order to go to hockey games.
and I'll remember checking the mailbox everyday (sometimes twice a day) for something that would never end up coming.
I will remember learning the hard way over and over and over again that God is enough. He is sufficient.

who cares if life gets in the way of school?
Sometimes, I think life is more educational anyway.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2 

I want to make sure you hear me right: school is important. I am not proud of what happened this semester. but i don't regret a single thing. I am not making excuses. I am not trying to justify my failures. I just want to let out a little sliver of my soul and say that my priorities may be backwards to a lot of people. but all i want to do is love Jesus and love people. everything else is secondary.

Monday, November 21, 2011

"So, the asparagus was a hit..."
Things I learned this weekend: awkward is not a sin.

This weekend I traveled to the one and only College Staion, TX.
Why? Well, I still don't really know.
If I could describe the weekend in one word it would be "awkward."
Why? I don't know that either.
But I think that the Lord enjoys our awkward moments just as much as we do in retrospect.
one would think that six people, all with mutual friends, all Young Life leaders and all believers would be able to hold conversation for the duration of a dinner. maybe it can be done with some people, but i did not experience that this weekend.
I had this big blog all planned out about awkwardness and such but I think that the Lord has laid something greater on my heart recently.
So here's what I have to say about this weekend: God is bigger than our circumstances. He loves us. He works good for us. He rejoices in awkward moments. and awkward hours. and awkward weekends. He takes joy in His creation, no matter how strange we happen to be.

Now, time for the real blog.

my joy has been robbed by the dirty thief of false contentedness.
I've been walking through life the last few weeks...or months if i'm going to be completely honest, telling myself that I am a-okay. That life is grand and that I am content with what is going on.
but today, thousands of feet above texas/oklahoma I discovered that I've been lying to myself.
all of a sudden, i felt so alone and destitute. i had absolutely no joy.

I didn't have a book to read on my flight, I didn't have music to listen to, I was on the aisle seat and the flight was quite a turbulent one, so I couldn't sleep. but i did have my bible.
first i read Malachi. talk about a downer. It's all about how the Lord is not pleased with the offerings His people are bringing. After reading this, I was like, "okay, cool. but I don't bring offerings and I don't think that You are displeased with me...soooo?" Then I thought about it some more.
One of the things I love about the Old Testament is how much it points to the coming of the Savior.
these priests in the book of Malachi were being reprimanded because they were presenting unfit offerings. I don't have to worry about that. Jesus Christ is the ultimate offering.
God looks on me and doesn't see my inadequacies, but Christ's blood washing me clean and making me fit.

Before I had that revelation, I was not happy with my biblical wanderings and still had 30 minutes to kill on the plane. and that led me right to the book of Hosea.

If you haven't read Redeeming Love stop what you're doing right now, get yourself a copy and don't do anything else until you've read it cover to cover. It is that good.

I am a lot like Gomer.

She was a prostitute. She sought for love everywhere but the place where should could find it, and have it everlasting and unconditionally.
I am not a prostitute. Let that be made unnecessarily clear. But i do search for love.
maybe love is too big of a word. I search for affirmation. and I yearn to be desired and thought of.
The thing is, when I feel like I've got someone who is desiring me and thinking of me, I'm eager to say that I'm "content with my singleness" but I'm not, because I'm thinking into the future, and the person I assume (usually stupidly) is thinking about and desiring me, I see making an effort to pursue me into a relationship. and that's not contentedness. that's just stupid.
I go running from one person to another seeking affirmation and getting left with nothing but emptiness and frustration and a lack of joy.
I think that's like Gomer.
I know that the Lord loves me. and desires me. and thinks of me. but I keep running back to my old ways. I run to earthly affirmation.
Gomer knows that Hosea loves her. and desires her. and thinks of her. but she keeps running back to her old ways. She runs to men that use her and toss her aside. She runs to what gives temporary satisfaction.
I run to things that give temporary satisfaction.
"For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.' And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold...Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness." Hosea 2:4-9

God is good. I am just like Gomer. And the Lord has treated me as such. I go after my "lovers" because I think that they give me what I desire and what I need.
But it's not them. It's the Lord. He is loving me by blessing me with those things.
But He is taking them away so that I can no longer fool myself into thinking that I am a-okay. He is making me run back towards Him for what I need. and for what I desire.
and it hurts. but it's a good hurt.

I may or may not have cried on the plane today. There's a chance that I wanted to throw up and laugh and cry and punch things all at once.
I am not satisfied because I am not putting my whole self-worth into the hands of the Creator who will never, ever see someone who is not good enough.
He is romancing me. and until i realize that He is the only one who will never let me down and always want me, He is hedging up my way and building a wall around my heart so that He can have it.
All of my heart. every day, every moment, every thought and every desire will be His.
Until then, I am single. contented or not.
the Lord is romancing me.
I will fall into the arms of the One who will never let me go. The only One who has never stopped thinking of me. never stopped desiring me. and never stopped loving me.

"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." Hosea 2:19-20

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I've been trying to decide what to blog about for the last two days. You think i'm joking, but i'm not. why it matters since no one reads this thing anyway? your guess is as good as mine.

so we'll chat about Capernaum first, yeah?
first things first: turns out it's ca-per-NEE-um. not ca-per-num. go figure. chances are that i'll split those two pronunciations 50/50. sorry ahead of time for my inconsistency.
Capernaum has kind of exploded. through no doing of our own, we have had such an incredible response to this ministry and it's overwhelming. we held an informational meeting at LifeStyles (a corporation that helps college aged (and above) people with disabilities become functional and independent members of society). Out of 19 students and families emailed, there was a response from eight of them. They'll be coming to a bowling event next week and we're taking at least one of those 19 to Polar Bear weekend in two weeks, maybe more.
The Lord has been so good to us.
He blesses us beyond what I can comprehend.
beyond what we deserve.
I'm speaking for myself here, but I'm confident Jonathan and Brittany would agree that the Lord is blessing and using this ministry in spite of our inadequacies. He is turning those inadequacies into spectacular displays of His majesty and power. it's such a blessing to be a part of.

I volunteer with a Special Olympics choir in Rogers and we had our first official meeting yesterday. There was a girl there named Katie who I had met before once or twice. When she found out that I remembered her name, I suddenly became her best friend! She held my hand and led me to seats right next to each other. A few minutes later, she put her arm around me and hugged me for at least 10 minutes during our meeting. All because I remembered her name.
On the long drive back to Fay (it's not thaaat long) I was thinking about just how beautiful that moment really was. I have done nothing to deserve Katie's affection. I haven't proven myself in any way. and she doesn't need me to.

This is why i think capernaum is so beautiful:
because i went into this choir thinking that I would be able to serve and bless my friends with disabilities but they ended up serving and blessing me beyond what I think I could do for them.
Katie showed me a picture of the gospel in a matter of moments. She showed me unconditional love. and in my opinion, that's the gospel in a nutshell; unconditional, relentless love.
He knows my name. and He delights in when I call His name.

I've been going through Jesus Calling ever since the most precious woman ever, (Karen Bonner: seriously y'all, she's such a blessing) generously gave it to our small group. The other night the devotional was over what we take delight in. and how the Lord takes delight in us when we take delight in what He's given us.

I have a list of things that make my heart smile that grows constantly, but here are a few things as of late that delight me:

baking: okay. i know how silly that sounds. but seriously. make all the woman jokes you want to, but life is just better in the kitchen. i like to bake delicious things. and i like making things that people enjoy.

Young Life: cliche, no? but real talk: i wouldn't be who i am right now without Young Life. the Lord has so graciously gifted me with this community of people that i can be ridiculous with and with whom i can also pretty much bear my soul and still feel completely loved and accepted and appreciated. I think heaven might be a little bit like young life. but i might have a smallish bias.

I delight in my roommate, she is a beautiful woman of the Lord that challenges me to be better. I delight in drinking milk out of coffee mugs, and singing Adele as loud as I can. I delight in dance parties even though I'm the worst dancer I know. i delight in the leaves changing colors in Fayetteville and mailing cookies to friends that live out of town. I delight in sleeping in and listening to people laugh and having girl talk with Keegan. The list goes on and on.

God has been so good to me. and I think that's why it was so difficult for me to blog. because i usually blog complaints, which i apologize for.
but right now? in this very moment, I couldn't be more joyful.
I am content. life doesn't suck, and it's not being turned upside down. the Lord isn't revealing to me that His plans are a complete 180 from my own (though i'm sure that's coming).
I am full.
God is present and what more could I possibly ask for? The Lord of all creation is madly in love with me. He takes delight in me.

and i delight in Him.

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a might one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

 

Monday, September 26, 2011

Luke 15.

sometimes I feel like the prodigal son. sometimes i feel like the brother. and sometimes, I feel like both.

"And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me share of property that is coming to me.'" 

I get so impatient with the Lord when I think that I'm doing well. I begin to think that i deserve some sort of reward for my faithfulness, or my "patience," or for my obedience. and i end up like the prodigal son, asking for my reward before i deserve it, or can handle it. I forget that my Father has plans that are far greater than i could ever imagine. and i end up eating filth with the pigs because i am too ashamed of my failure to run back to my Father who will welcome me with open arms.

"and he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything."


i dry up. and i get hungry. and there is no one to feed me because i have run away from my source of life. i began my settling for my own timing with my reward and kept settling until i was content to be eating with pigs.

"Father I have sinned against Heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your servants. And he arose and came to his father."


humility is hard. it is painful to admit that you need someone you ran away from, someone you practically wished dead. someone who's timing you thought insignificant compared to your own. being wrong is hard. and painful. and i am so often wrong.
i am the prodigal son.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." 


how deep my Father's love for me. this is so, so beautiful.
He loves unconditionally and keeps taking me back. time after time. even after i have abandoned His perfect plans for my own broken ones, He keeps taking me back.

i am also the other son.

"but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never game me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends."


i am angry when i don't stray from my Father's plans and i feel neglected because it seems like everyone else is getting what I want, and what I think I deserve.
I forget so easily! Lord help my unbelief. when i don't believe that You are good, and when I don't believe that You desire what is best for me, help my unbelief. help my forgetfulness, Lord.
remind me of Your goodness. and that You are sovereign. and that sovereignty means that I don't need to worry. or ask for my "share of the property" in advance. it means that I can rest joyfully content wherever I am because my God is good to me, and He is sovereign.
He knows my mess, and my desperation, and my longing, and my failures. and He takes me back every time.


"'For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to celebrate."


How beautiful is it that every time I come crawling back to my Father, He welcomes me with open arms. and there is cause for celebration.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Patience.

Soundtrack for this post:


Good news first, yeah?
okay, so Capernaum has absolutely taken off, and I couldn't be more ecstatic about that. The Lord has so graciously blessed us. We have a new team member, Brittany. She is incredible. Our team is coming together and our visions for this ministry have come together in a way that only the Lord could have orchestrated. and, friends, it is absolutely beautiful.
I don't think a day has passed in the last two weeks without some sort of "I'm SO EXCITED ABOUT CAPERNAUM" text message being exchanged between our team. plans are being made, and set in motion. We have so many fresh faces that are anxious to be involved in Young Life and that is an answer to prayer indefinitely. The Lord has continued to show me that in Him life is fruitful. and He is faithful. and He provides abundantly.

The only thing left to do now is wait. I hate waiting.

Which brings me to my next not-so-cherry thing.
I have been sheltered in my life by never having a boyfriend. never being forced to give up some part of my heart and not get it back. I (and every girl i complain to who has ever had her heart broken by a boyfriend) will admit that I have been blessed this way. and i know that the Lord has given graciously to me in this. He has been protecting me from what I cannot handle.
But I've been waiting for over nineteen years for someone to want me. and i feel like it's high time that some man of God gets his act together and pursues me. is that too much to ask?!
Because i go through these periods of being so peacefully content with Gods plan and being more than okay with still being alone because i know that the Lord is more than enough for me. But then i go through times of such intense want. and it's not that i forget that God is enough for me. but i get stuck in this rut of thinking that i need more.
i begin to think that i deserve someone in my life to love me. i think that i deserve to be "happy" like that. i think that i deserve more than what God is allowing me to enjoy.
and i'm mad at myself. i'm angry with myself for thinking that i deserve anything good. and i'm mad at myself for thinking that God is holding out on me. I'm angry because i should be joyful in this moment and these circumstances. because i know that God is enough. always.
so maybe it's the wedding blogs i keep "stumbling" upon. or maybe it's the romance novels and smooth jazz every night before I go to bed. maybe it's spending the last 19 years as single as the day i was born and feeling like no one gets it. or cares. and feeling like that will never change.
i know i'm wrong. so, so wrong. but not because i know that "some day my prince will come." but because i know that God is still enough.
and regardless of if i'm waiting for one more year, or the rest of my years, i know that one day i will stand in the presence of someone who loves me more than life itself.
because what i deserve is death. and i deserve to be alone. but the mercy of my God keeps me from getting what i deserve. and i deserve the worst. His beautiful grace allows me to prosper.
so i will wait. i will wait and wait and wait. but i will live. and i will live fully. i will live for the day that I can look my lover in the eyes. for i am my beloveds and He is mine. and He is enough. always.


"if we are faithless, He remains faithful for He cannot deny Himself." - 2 Timothy 2:13

"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." - Romans 8:6

"He [Jesus] said to them [me], 'Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?'" -Mark 4:40

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry" - Psalm 40:1

O, taste and see that the Lord is good.

Friday, August 12, 2011

great sadness

if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
i am drowning in His overwhelming grace and love.
times are hard, but God is always good.


my prayer, Father, is that You would overwhelm us with Your comfort, love, peace, and joy. Remind us that there is a greater story being written. One that is greater than any of us can comprehend. Let us bask in the truth that You work all things for the good of those who love You. and let us celebrate a life well lived. Turn for us our mourning into dancing. clothe us with gladness. turn our mourning into joy. You are so, so good to us, Lord.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Three. [Short and Sweet]

My life has not been easy. but it has always been good.
Mark's life has not been easy, and by a lot of people's standards, it probably  hasn't been good either. but Mark has an incredible perspective. One that I can only hope to attain one day. I don't know a lot about Mark. He's in a chair, and he has a smile that lights up the world around him. I had the privilege of meeting Mark at NorthBay in July. and he has changed my life.
The first club of the week I was with some other summer staff girls watching from the back. John was talking about God's love. He was saying that he understood that sometimes it felt like God didn't love us. He said "you might be sitting there thinking 'where was God when this happened? how can you say that God loves me when this has happened?'" in the middle of this, Mark started talking to John. and who ever else was listening. He was practically shouting. "it doesn't matter!" he said. "It doesn't matter what you've been through, or what you think! God loves you. He loves you no matter what. God loves you. And you might not think so, but He does."
we were all stunned to silence. and then the club room erupted into applause.
I was crying. (duh. i always cry.) I had goose bumps. to say that i was amazed would be an understatement. i was overwhelmed.
and that's when it dawned on me that these Capernaum folks see and know God far more clearly and intimately than I. I long for childlike faith. My Capernaum friends have it. and I am filled with a jealousy for it.
Mark knows that God loves him. And He believes it. There are no if's and's or but's. because of his childlike faith, Mark can sit in a room full of people, believers and non-believers and say with confidence that no matter your circumstances, God loves you. and He never stops loving you.
Almost a month later, and here I sit, still amazed by this guy. I have no idea what Mark's been through. and he has no idea what I've been through. but there is one truth that binds us together, one truth that Mark has ingrained on my heart: God never stops loving us.

an update on the Capernaum: Fayetteville front, because that's why i started this blog in the first place.
I move back to Arkansas on Wednesday. that's three days for those of you counting (mom). And that means that in three days this all becomes real.
Not that it wasn't real to begin with, but plans will start becoming actions. and as excited as i am about that, i am scared to death.
that quite confidence i possessed early this spring has faded and been replaced by an almost petrifying fear. but a fear that comforts me. crazy, right?
but having this fear just makes me that much more confident that i'm on the right track. I know that this fear comes from the enemy whispering insecurity and inadequacy in my ear. but here I am, shouting back Christ's power made perfect in my weakness.
In the next few weeks meetings will take place, emails will be sent, and fresh-faced freshman will be introduced to me. I will meet people that will eventually make up this team that is so dear to my heart.
Thinking about that literally makes my stomach churn. But i have confidence. I am confident because God has gone before me and prepared a way.
this time next month, God willing, I will have met high school kids. I will be a part of their classrooms and lives. I will have girls that I can be praying for by face and name. I cannot wait. girls that the Lord has planned for me to meet. planned since the beginning of time. and that knowledge gives me so much joy.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Two. [Dane and Tim.]


Two stories: Tim and Dane. I could tell stories about campers from Capernaum week for hours. But I won’t. not this time anyway. (hang in there, or at the very least, skip to the end. It gets good, I promise)

1.
Tim is quite possibly one of the most legit guys I’ve ever met. I’m still not positive what his diagnosis is, maybe CP, but I really don’t know. Tim was close to being classified non-verbal but he does make sounds and says some words. He is incredible. I first saw Tim before club one afternoon. (Capernaum camp does club backwards, and not at night). He has a scooter that he rides around on some of the time, but he’s also capable of walking. I was curious.
I met him, formally, the next day on the swing. He was in his scooter so I walked over to him to see if we needed to rig up our wheel-chair-pulley-system (a pain in the butt, but totally worth it every time). I asked Tim if he’d need us to rig up this system and he said no, he’d be able to climb the stairs, step into the swing and get himself out at the end of the ride. Mind blown #1.
Tim had a family with him, a mom, dad, sister and brother, but not his family. I’m still a little confused about all that. It was “policy” (more like preference) for us to put campers in chest harnesses, just to err on the side of caution so no one found out a little to late that they couldn’t support their weight when the swing was in motion (and to save us a heart attack). I walked over to Tim with a chest harness and told him that I was going to help him into it. He got a little mad. But nowhere near as mad as the “father” that was with him. “Tim bikes five miles a day, he’s stronger than I am! (this guy was not small) He doesn’t need that!” He was adamant to say the least. And we were nervous. Tim didn’t look like he’d be able to hold himself upright, he didn’t look like he’d be able to climb up the stairs. But he could. And he did. Over, and over, and over again. Tim rode the swing at least twice a day. And by the end of the week, he was cutting the cord. Tim has so much joy. He laughs, he smiles, he jokes with us: about chest harnesses and muscles and biking THIRTY-FIVE MILES IN ONE DAY (mind blown #2).

I can’t really put my finger on it, but Tim had something about him. There was something that stuck with me. His smile. His spirit. His laugh. Something was different about this kid. Tim’s life couldn’t have been easy up to this point. People (guilty) always judging him by appearance and assuming he couldn’t do things by himself…or at all. He could have easily gotten angry with me when I asked to put a chest harness on him, or if he could use the stairs, but he didn’t. He has a heart like I desire, a gentleness that I covet. And I feel so, so blessed to have met him.

2.
Dane was a cool kid. He is nonverbal and his buddy/leader is so, so devoted to him. I’m sure he told Dane the names of hundreds of people when they were at camp. Dane would always make a motion at people and that meant that he wanted to know their name, and Dane’s buddy would dutifully and joyfully repeat name after name after name to Dane. One afternoon at club, Dane and his buddy were picked to play a game. The buddy was supposed to stack as many Oreos on top of the campers’ forehead as they could before time ran out. Dane and his buddy lost…by a lot. But that’s because Dane kept asking his buddy for the Oreos so that he could eat them. (I would have wanted that, too, lets be honest, this kids got the right idea!) But even then, in the midst of eating Oreos to his hearts content, Dane didn’t smile. Throughout the week I would see Dane, but never smiling. I don’t know if I just missed it, or if it never happened.
Until one day when Dane and his buddy came to ride the swing. The swing can be exhausting. It’s hot. And you never stop sweating. EVER. And campers never put on their harnesses right the first time. And kids always crowd the deck. And you say the same thing every time a group gets on the swing. And 1 in 4 campers always get upset that they have to wear a chest harness. And it just gets tiring.
Dane came to ride the swing that afternoon and it was nothing special. He had the same expression as always, and I wasn’t expecting anything “life-changing.” But God has a funny way of turning the ordinary into extraordinary. Dane’s smile after they pulled the ripcord could go down in my book as the biggest I’ve ever seen. It’s crazy to think that something so simple to the rest of us could possibly be the one thing that makes a kid smile all week.

And it makes me wonder, how much do I take for granted? How much joy have I been given every day that I overlook? I want to be the kind of person that gets extraordinary joy from ordinary circumstances because I am so compelled by the love that my Savior has for me. And because I see in every thing that my God is blessing me beyond what I can begin to comprehend. I want to be Dane experiencing the swing for the first time. And I want to be Emily so, so happy that every 2 minutes I yell “Group Hug!!” and embrace whoever is closest to me, because the Lord has blessed me, and I don’t know how else to deal the joy that comes from that. I want to stop overlooking the little things. And I want to stop being so consumed with what “doesn’t go right.” I want to believe 100% of the time that God is blessing my mess. And when I tend to believe that there is no way to see grace, or beauty, or joy in something, I want to fight that. And I want to see it. I want to see joy. And I want my heart to smile so big that it goes down in record books. Because my God loves me. And He desires me to be joyful. And I long to fulfill His desires.

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,” -1 Peter 1:8

“Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy;” –Isaiah 60:5

“…with divine retribution he will come to save you. Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. The will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy.” –Isaiah 35:4-6

“he sees God’s face and shouts for joy.” –Job 33:26
oh that I would see God’s face constantly, and live a life that shouts for joy.

Monday, July 25, 2011

One.


I’ve decided to do “installments” of blogs. because those fifteen days at NorthBay were too big for one blog. And I’m using the word installments because it’s 10 at night, I’m on medicine and it seems like the dumbest, best word I can find right now.

Well, blog, here we go.
Needless to say, I’ve been putting this off. Which is weird because I love to blog about things that happen to me.
I guess I just didn’t have the words to say this time. How does one put in to words the experience I just (more or less) had at NorthBay? I find that I’m struggling with that a lot, actually. On our last night while we were anxiously awaiting an anti-climactic climb to the top of a water tower (anti-climactic because it didn’t happen) a friend asked “what has the Lord been teaching you since you’ve been here?” and I couldn’t really answer. Not because I hadn’t learned anything, but because I didn’t really know what I had learned. At least not in that moment. 

It’s hard to say in words how living in community like we did made my heart smile so big, and how that 15 days of community will keep me going.
It’s hard to articulate exactly how wiping up a kid’s urine on the swing humbled me beyond what I thought was possible (or necessary, for that matter) and how that will always stay with me. But the least I can do is try:

Hands and feet of Jesus. That was our “slogan” on summer staff. And I found that to be more burdensome at times than encouraging. It was great when things were going really well, when kids smiled and waved at you or gave you hugs towards the end of the week because they remembered you and thought you were the “bees knees.” 
And when those very same kids you coached through the giant swing stood up at say so on the last day, you could say with utmost confidence “I was the hands and feet of Jesus this week.” 
But when a Capernaum camper relieves himself on the swing and doesn’t even know that he’s done it and you are the lucky one that gets to wipe it up, telling yourself (and even others, in my case) that you’re the “hands and feet of Jesus” starts to become a pride issue. 
Hands and feet of Jesus no longer means being humble and serving Him by serving kids, it no longer means having a servants heart and loving kids so that they’ll, in turn, see Jesus. It doesn’t mean that you are considering it a joy to do this work. It becomes an issue of pride. It equates me with the Lord of all creation. I put myself on a pedestal because I cleaned up a campers pee. I was not humbled by it; I gave myself credit for it. I patted myself on the back for it and expected others to do the same. When in reality, (figurative reality that is) that’s what all service should be. Whether I’m doing something “beneath me” like cleaning up pee or doing something beautiful, like carrying someone confined to a wheel chair on my back in the pool or at crud wars. It’s all so that kids see HIS glory. And it doesn’t matter who does it, or how bad it smells, or that you get in trouble for not wearing gloves when you do it. The point is that you do it. And it’s a joy. It’s a joy to be chosen by the creator of the universe to be His ambassador. To represent Him here on this earth. 

Real talk: Jesus would’ve cleaned up pee and then some. Jesus would’ve traded pants with this kid, so he didn’t have to walk around in his shame and embarrassment the rest of the day. Jesus would have told everyone that He was the one to pee in the swing. The kid would’ve gotten off scoff free. The beautiful thing? That’s exactly what He’s done for each of us. He has taken my soiled rags and exchanged them with His fine linens. He has not only covered my shame and embarrassment but removed it from me and taken it as His own. And He doesn’t care that I cleaned up pee. He cares that I love Him. and He cares that I love Him enough to want others to love Him. and it doesn’t matter what that looks like, it just matters that it is.
What did North Bay teach me?
Community.
Humility.
Service.
Love.

Maybe it wasn’t everything I expected it to be, but I’m so glad it wasn’t. I’m happy that I have friends whose absence makes my heart ache. I’m happy that I can look back at those fifteen days and see beauty. Not boyfriends, or crushes, or enemies, or a complete transformation in my life. But I see best friends, and redemption, and blessed conversation, and service, and I see God chipping away at my inadequacies. Inadequacies that might not be as big as they used to be, but are still there, and are still a stumbling block to me every day. But more than that, I see a God that hasn’t given up on my sinful, unreliable, ungrateful, prideful self. And there is so much grace in that.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

a hodgepodge

Today I was at walmart and ran into a dear friend of mine. he has a heart of gold and i cannot wait to see how his life effects the kingdom. we were talking about Young Life, and how it has changed both of our lives because of its simplicity. love God, love people. what changed my life two summers ago was the simple, raw fact that Jesus loves me, and I cannot escape that. i cannot change that. i can do nothing to make Him love me more, and I can do nothing to make Him love me less. He loved me into existence. He continues loving me into existence every day. He loves me enough to discipline me. He loves me enough to allow me free will.

He takes great pleasure in me. He desires me when I am less than undesirable. this love, as Beth Moore is teaching me, is agape. it is love that is not an emotion, or a feeling. it is a response. it flows from what is right and best.

Yesterday, i read 1 Corinthians 13. yes, the looooove chapter. something Beth Moore instructed before beginning to read this chapter was, "do not let the bug of familiarity bite you!"
and i am so thankful that she did that.
I know the "love" chapter. I know what it instructs and I know that every time someone teaches on this passage I feel convicted because I boast, or envy, or am prideful. but what i somehow overlooked, ironically, was the love.
verse 2: without love, i am nothing.
nothing. not inadequate or sub par, but nothing. if i am void of love, i am void of everything.
if you do not have a bible close at hand, here it is, the "love" chapter.
don't let the love here evade you, though. see how it permeates every verse. and see how this is not only instruction for us, but an example set by the Lord. do not make the mistakes i made for 19 years regarding these 13 verses.
absorb yourself in love. be overwhelmed by it. please.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient and kind; it does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 
Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, the will cease, as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 
So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13 (ESV)

did you catch that?
it's not that the things depicted in the first few verses are necessarily bad things, but when love is not the motive, what is left? selfishness. and that is not an attribute of having the Spirit inside.
but when those things are coupled with love, what extraordinary things will be done! faith that can move mountains, selfless sacrifice, knowledge, understanding, the list goes on!

I am completely overwhelmed when I think of the aspects of love listed in this chapter. and even more overwhelmed when i realize how bad I actually am at most of them. anyone who has ever ridden in the car with me knows that i am not an altogether patient person, nor am i too kind. i can be so envious, especially when i think that i deserve something more (arrogance/pride). too often i boast in myself, I think that I am good at something, or that I've done something worthwhile that people should know and give me gratitude for. that is not agape.
"it does not insist on its own way." i am irritable. i am rude...i think i've made my point.

these things seem so out of reach. but i know that they are attainable, or the instruction wouldn't have been given.
I want this. i want to be this kind of love. i want to have this love. and i want to give it away. i want to love others this way. i want to love my Lord this way.
forget being a "Proverbs 31" girl. I want to be a "1 Corinthians 13" girl.
I want to be drenched in this chapter. i want to overflow with this love. this agape.

it all comes back around to love. Drew and I were talking in the frozen foods section of walmart today about that. it is so simple. and we make it so complex. i think that we think it's too simple. surely there has to be more to all of it than just love? what more could we want, though? rules? stipulations? limits? no thank you. "just love", is more than enough for me. and sure, there are other things but it all comes back to love.
i think that growing up in the church caused me, in part, to believe that I needed to do things to be loved. and that God was mean, and strict and hard to follow because He expected so much of me; things i'd never be able to live up to or according to. thank Heavens i was so wrong. all He desires is my love in return for His everything.
all i have to do is love Him. and it's not difficult to love a God that loves me best and loves me first.
did you catch that part in verse 8? Love never ends. Agape never ends. His love for me never ends.

what a joy it is to serve a God that makes loving Him so enjoyable.
this time next week, i'll be in NorthEast, Maryland. with ten of my newest best friends. a servant hearted Work Crew, an amazing assigned team, and tons of campers to love on through service.
seven days, three tests, two firework stand shifts, moving out of a house and two plane rides stand between me and the best fifteen days of my summer.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." -Colossians 3:12-14

I would also be a "Colossians 3:12-14" girl. but it doesn't have quite the same ring to it. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Summer could be Funner

Summer could be funner if i weren't taking 6 hours of classes.
summer could be funner if i were at home, with my friends.
summer could be funner if i didn't have to worry about doing a million and one things and pleasing a million and one people.
summer could be funner if i were working at falls creek with my two best friends Heather and Amy.
summer could be funner if i weren't so awkward.
summer could be funner if i weren't a homebody.

summer could not be funner if i were doing anything but what i am.

I am diving into the word and learning about the gifts of life with Christ.
i am learning more about myself than I ever could have if i were at home, or at falls creek, or anywhere but fayetteville, arkansas.
i am taking classes that might suck, but will get me where i need to go.
i am going with confidence. His confidence.

i am adding things daily to my list of things that make my heart smile.
i am spending a lot of time alone. i am spending even more time with people that are growing to mean so much to me.
i am beyond thankful for Jonathan and his dedication to Capernaum.
i am so so excited and anxiously awaiting the fall so that we can put into motion this dream for Capernaum we've been dreaming since March.

i am sad. i am scared at times.
i am lonely.
but i am full. i am so full of the Spirit.
i am not always happy. but i have joy. an inexpressible joy that only has one explanation. the Lord.
I want to go. i want to go so many places and do so many things.
i am being taught to be where i am. and to find joy in contentment with my current "life stage" (i hate that phrase)

i am growing up. and growing up sucks.
i am missing my best friends. and the fellowship that they bring. and i miss always having girls to talk to about things that are plaguing my life. and i miss those girls that are genuinely interested and ask me first because they know me. and they know when i'm not "all right."
i am finding that He does that for me. i am learning that He has taken that away so i go to Him first. i am learning that ultimately, He is all i need. He is more than enough.
When i don't think I can make it to the weekend so i can go home, He gets me out of bed and puts a smile on my face and the sun in the sky. when i don't have plans for the weekend and can't imagine spending it alone, He reminds me that I am never alone. and He laughs at me when the Notebook make me cry again. He doesn't pity my friday and saturday nights spent alone, and now, i don't either.
when i fail a finite test and feel like i'll never make it to graduation in 3 years, He reminds me that one test holds no eternal importance. He reminds me of my importance to Him. He reminds me that He takes great pleasure in me. and that, in turn, makes me take great pleasure in Him.

He is more than enough.
When i ask for an inch, He gives me a mile.
when we open a guitar case at the farmer's market, He fills it with 138 dollars and some change to take younglives girls to camp. to meet Him. because it pleases Him.


when I ask for more of Him, He tells me that right now, in this moment, teary eyed and broken, I have as much of Him as I did yesterday. and as much as I will have tomorrow. He tells me He has never taken any of Himself away from me. and He never will. I have all of Him. in every moment. forever.
and I am filled with joy.
so much joy.

"For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed." -Isaiah 54:10


my world may fall apart, but His steadfast love remains.
always.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Blog About: Finals, Goodbyes and Lamas.

this week is awful.
and wonderful.
awfully wonderful and wonderfully awful. 
all i've done this week is study for my finals (over tomorrow at 10!) and say goodbye to my best friend. 
it's funny how you never realize how much someone is a part of your life until they aren't anymore. 

when i left for college i remember saying to my two best friends "i don't wanna make new friends" then i bawled on the whole drive home. 
the Lord has provided me with some of the best friends I could ever ask for. some of them have just showed up in my life in the last month or so and i am way thankful for them. We experience life together and hurt together and laugh together and are inappropriate together. we dream together (mostly about being married...) and we talk about boys together. and we have some of the most meaningful conversations i've ever had together. it's hard to believe that i've only known these girls (and in some cases, boys) no more than 8 months. not even the gestation period of a baby! (did i just say that?) 
we pray together on old main lawn for the Dalai lama while we eat free chipotle burritos. we hammock twice a day everyday. summer will be so hard apart from them.

speaking of the Dalai Lama...
he was on campus today. Rumor has it they're dispersing the sand painting that the monks did this week across Fayetteville. I've been told (but have no proof) that when the monks make these sand-paintings they mutter "mantras" under their breath, these "mantras," i've been told, conjure spirits. not good ones. I have to doubt that the Dalai Lama has the best intentions in the world but he is not of Christ, and i take what he says with a grain of sand (see what i did there? sorry, i'm tired...it's finals week.) peace is wonderful. I am all for peace. but I am for peace under and because of Christ. 
the Tibetan monks faith inspires me. I am so impressed by it. To have that much devotion makes me examine my own lifestyle. would i give up my "regular" world, give up my "regular" clothes, and my "regular" friends? i don't know. but i am thankful that I am called by God to be a light in the darkness, and to live among this world until He calls me home. I am thankful that this is not a decision i have to make. 

speaking of goodbyes...
I wasn't speaking of goodbyes? well, i am now.
they SUCK. why do i have to be away from people that make my heart so happy? 
at least this is not a final goodbye. not a goodbye of "see ya if i see ya." i know that these people are not leaving me forever. we will be reunited soon. if not on a summer road trip, or next fall, we will be reunited in our heavenly home. 
i am so overwhelmed with thankfulness that this world is not where it ends. 
this is not my home.

"someday I will wake
in a body that won't break 
on a ground that doesn't shake
not here.
someday I will live
in a house that's built by hands that hold the world."

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

hopelessness

hoplessness is: studying at Taco Bell.
just kidding.
now it's time for a real blog:


One year. A lot can happen in a year. 
I feel like one year ago I was a completely different person. 
365 days. 525,600 minutes. how do you measure the life of a man? 
Kevin Santos. Sophomore. Stillwater High School. giver of excellent high fives. always smiling like he had just done something mischievous. 
one year ago. 
gone. 
something i'll never understand is suicide. and i guess that's a good thing, but it's frustrating. 
Things i'll never forget:
the end of my senior year. my last musical ever. my friends and i were ripping seams and talking about how excited we were for the summer, we were all going to work crew, i was going to college and we were anxiously awaiting our futures to unfold before us. our lives were just beginning.  Shelbye walked into the room with tears streaming down her face. I thought she was just emotional because we were almost done with high school. not the case. that was how i found out that Kevin had killed himself. 
he had no more future. he wouldn't graduate high school. he wouldn't go to college. he wouldn't even get to experience the summer.
I had never really experienced death before. not of someone young. not of someone i knew. 
i was mad. i didn't believe it. i was heartbroken. how could God let someone become so hopeless? someone He was supposed to love? 
I still don't get it. 
things i'll never forget:
that afternoon and into the evening we all crowded together in the choir room. no one knew what to do, or say. we had to stay together, that's all we knew how to do. we cried. we were silent. we prayed. we yelled. we cried some more. i remember a man from a church talking to all of us, saying things like "what you're feeling is normal." and "it's okay to feel this way." and "i understand what you're going through." i'm sorry, Mr. church man, but you have no idea what i'm going through. no amount of education could possibly instruct you as to how to "deal with my feelings." i don't even know what my feeling are right now, i just want someone to hug me. no class in seminary can explain to you how being affected by suicide feels.  
the worst one, though, was being told that what i was feeling was "normal." 
there is nothing normal about that situation. nothing normal about a sixteen year old boy deciding that his life is no longer worth living. there is nothing normal about a giant pit opening up inside my stomach. nothing normal about not being able to eat for three days. nothing normal about crying all the time. nothing normal about a sixteen year old boy that smiled all the time feeling beyond hope. 
beyond hope. i cannot fathom. the Lord is my hope. 
I am alive today because the Lord has willed and I have hope in the fact that this day is not a mistake. i am meant to be here. if i am suffering, i am meant to suffer. He will deliver me. 
if only Kevin could have known joy in sorrow. 

things i'll never forget: 
May 3, 2010: spending all day crying. all chorale period smiling and remembering Kevin. singing like we never had before. healing our souls. 

things i'll never forget: 
May 5, 2010. the hardest thing i've ever had to do: singing at Kevin's funeral. i've never felt so alone, and i've never felt like everyone in the room knew exactly what i was feeling. holding hands and stumbling through our song, dedicated to Kevin. everything we did the rest of the year was for kevin.

things i'll never forget:
"The LORD is my refuge and strength, therefore I will not be afraid. Though the mountains give way, and fall into the sea, He will come and rescue me." 

"Blessed be the LORD, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, "I am cut off from your sight." But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help." -psalm 31:21-22

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him." Lamentations 3:22-24

this isn't about being hopeless. it's about how great hope in the Lord is. 

one year. 525,600 minutes. 
"if life is measured in love, i'm confident Kevin has life longer than all of us."
you are so missed, kev. 

Sunday, April 17, 2011

THANKFUL

*I'm about to say "thankful" about a hundred times. get ready*

Praise the LORD. He has provided for me in the greatest way.
in my last post i mentioned how i was begging Lord for a partner in Capernaum. It was literally the only thing that I asked for for weeks. I had so many doubts that Capernaum was even something I needed to be doing anymore. I felt absolutely alone. The enemy saw my insecurity and fed on it like crazy.
I knew, in the depths of my soul, that God would provide for me in His perfect timing, but I was so impatient. I wanted someone right then and I wanted that person to be perfect.
God sent me Jonathan and finding out that his heart was for Capernaum at placement tonight was the greatest surprise of my life to date. I don't know him. I met him for the first time tonight. we are going to be doing life together and ministering to these precious kids that are so dear to my heart together. we don't know what this ministry is going to look like, but we're doing it. and i am so, so excited.
THANK YOU. my whole being is screaming: THANK YOU, LORD.
I have never felt so thankful before in my life. My whole heart is so so happy.
I am so dumb. Fo real.
As happy as I was tonight, I also felt like an idiot. God slapped me upside the head and said to me, "Calm it down, Kaitlyn. I've got this."
He's got this.
I don't have to worry.
He is faithful. He is faithful. He is so faithful. He is good to me beyond what I deserve. His timing is perfect. I am so thankful.
Capernaum is not my ministry. It is the Lord's. and He will do with it as He sees fit.
He wants me, but He does not need me. He wants Capernaum to happen, though. And I am so thankful that He has chosen me. and that He has not allowed me to be alone. He has blessed me. He has given me peace. He has given me laughter. He has given me copious amounts of tears of joy. He has given me SO much joy. and I am so thankful.
my God is so big. and my God is so big. and my God is on my side.

Tonight will easily be one of the greatest nights of my life. Seeing my best friends answer the Lord's call to give their love away to high school/middle school/pregnant teens and teen moms is so exciting. I am thankful to have such dedicated, faithful, Godly friends. Jonathan and I were the last leaders to be placed and finally having everything click in my head was a good feeling. I'm sure he thinks i'm a blubbering fool that can't control her emotions (partly true) but it feels so good to have an answered prayer, tangible, in front of you, wrapped in your arms for an awkward "first-hug-i-met-you-an-hour-ago-and-we've-only-said-five-words-to-each-other" thing.
a tangible answered prayer. a "go ahead, I am with you" from God concerning Capernaum.
that's what i've been looking for all along.
and i am so......you guessed it, thankful. God is on my side. the battle is already won. He is good and He is for me.

"Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know, and a nation that did not know you shall run to you, because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you." -Isaiah 55:5

"Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." -psalm 16:8-10

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" -psalm 30:11-12


If you're in the mood to cry: http://vimeo.com/3559979

Friday, April 8, 2011

Ladies and gentlemen, it is officially official. I am starting Capernaum in Fayetteville next year!
How do I know that this is exactly what the Lord wants me to do? because I cannot imagine doing anything else. because, when I think about it, my heart smiles (and I usually tear up.) and because the enemy has been so present trying to get me to chicken out. But my God is bigger. He is bigger than nightmares, and doubts, and unsupportive people in my life. This is what He wants and He will make it happen.
Talking to Robyn yesterday, there is only one thing standing in the way and that is that I need a partner. Right now, I'm the only one wanting to be dedicated to this ministry, and that's just not how YL works.
I am praying unceasingly that the Lord will provide someone who's heart is in Capernaum. I ask that you would be praying, too.
I know that God is faithful and I know that He will not leave me to fend for myself. But His timing is not mine, and I am not altogether a patient person.
God is good. and He is good to those who love Him.


"On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cusion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? have you still no faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" -Mark 4:35-41

I feel like the disciples at this point. Jesus made a promise. He said to them 'Let's go to the other side.' They were going to make it. But the disciples doubted and didn't have faith that the Lord was looking out for their good.
Why am I so afraid? Have I still no faith? Even the wind and the sea obey Him. who am I to question His authority? or worry that He might not get things done?

"I had said in my alarm, "I am cut off from your sight." But you heard hte voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help." -psalm 31:22

"Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." -psalm 143:8 

"Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame." -psalm 25:3 

Sunday, March 27, 2011

You Heard it Here First:

I am here to say one thing. (that's probably a lie).
and that one thing is this: The Chop is a magical place.

The Lord has laid it on my heart to start Capernum Young Life in Fayetteville.
I am terrified. but more than that, I am so excited to be used in His plan this way. I have been praying and praying for direction. I was so tired of feeling like I was wandering aimlessly through my life. The funny thing about God is that He seems to have a backwards way of answering prayer. I practically beg for direction in my life and He sends me capernum. Not exactly what I was looking for, God. But I am so at peace with everything else in my life that I know that this is definitely what I have been needing. Making my mind so open and attuned to listening to what God could possibly whisper in my ears about how to proceed with my life made me receptive to hear that what He wants from me cannot be neatly laid out in a step by step four year plan. but what He asks of me, and of everyone else, is to listen to what He says when he says it. and to obey.
Do I have any better idea about what to major in or when the Lord will finally allow me to have a boyfriend? No. Not at all. but that's not what concerns me anymore, surely a blessing straight from His hands.
Am I nervous? yes.
Do I have more doubts than I can count? yes.
Am I scared to death of being a failure? 100 times over.
I find hope in the reality that I am nothing in this situation. God doesn't need me. and it's humbling to see that. He doesn't need me but He chose me. I am so thankful. and I am so ready to see what He does to further His kingdom in this ministry.
of all the people that could've been chosen to start this He chose me. I don't say that to be arrogant or prideful in myself by any means. but to show that, in the days/months/years to come, God is powerful. Surely there was someone more qualified or experienced than me. someone who knows what to do, or has had experience with kids like these before. These thoughts trouble my mind with doubt but also give me inexplicable joy and hope. I won't be doing any of this. it will be the Lord working. not me.


"...For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." - 1 Samuel 16:7b

"For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." -Philippians 2:13 


"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." - Psalm 139:13-16

Monday, February 28, 2011

Theory on Disney Movies

This past weekend, I have watched a record number of disney classics. Including Sleeping Beauty, Hercules, 101 Dalmations, and The Emperors New Groove. I love disney movies. And I'm kind of upset with myself about how I've over analyzed them in this time. I was just thinking about things.
The difference between Disney movies from my childhood and the present day ones seems to be woman's independence. Gone are the days when it acceptable for a woman to be pursued by a man, to be rescued by him. I think that the values instilled in my childhood were formed, in part, due to Disney movies. I want to be rescued. I want to be pursued. I want to be saved by a handsome prince on a white horse. What's wrong with that? Does that make me unassertive? Do those desires make me old fashioned and a pushover by today's standards of what women should do and want for themselves?
I have dreams, yes. I will do almost anything to achieve those things. But one of those dreams is to be rescued by a knight in shining armor; to be swept off my feet and saved from peril danger by a man who loves me deeply.
The great news? I already have been.
I am saved. I've been rescued from extreme peril, the peril of my sin. And my knight will never disappoint me. I bet God is pro Old school Disney classics because of the desire it gives us girls to be saved. And there He is, ready to save.
I would like to say that this alleviates my desire to have a disney-esque romance but it doesn't. I still desire the earthly version.
but the Heavenly version is SO much better. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

So, all last week I was fasting. What for? Because I wanted answers. I have so many questions about my future...and my present. So I decided to fast in order that I might heart the Lord's voice more clearly.
Diet Coke is an addiction, to say the least. So I gave up all beverages other than water and all meat.
What did God tell me during this week of fasting? That i should drop out of college? That I am never going to be married? That I should major in something easy so I don't lose my scholarship and have to go to community college in Oklahoma?
No. He told me none of these things.
For a while, it felt like He wasn't telling me anything at all. Tuesday through Thursday were terrible days. Lack of caffeine combined with heightened frustration about EVERYTHING equaled an on edge, tense, mad at the world Kaitlyn. If possible, God's voice felt more silent than before. But still, I soldiered on. I wanted answers. Perhaps more than anything I had wanted in a while, I felt like I needed to know every step I was going to take these next few days/months/years.
Some of you will know where this is going...
It was only today, the day that I could finally break my fast, that God spoke to me.
His answer? Trust me.
Not a detailed description of how my life was going to play out. but trust. Trust that He had it under control. Which comforts me more than any physical, practical, step-by-step answer would have.
I am at the will of the most powerful being that has ever existed, exists now or will exist. He is sovereign, and He is good. And my future is at His mercy.
Scary? yes. Worth it? definitely.


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

He is good.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

February 16, 2011

I'm supposed to be writing a five minute play right now. It's due tomorrow, so what better to do than procrastinate with a blog!
I have nothing wise to say, but do i ever? no. so no surprise there.
let me just tell you, blogworld, that life is hard. and while i may be laughing at my circumstances the fact of the matter is that i'm scared. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Much less what God wants me to do with my life. The two should not be separate entities which is where I think i'm stumbling. Which brings me to a whole new facet of my life.
I want to want what God wants for me. (not a typo) but not knowing what He wants makes it difficult to want that.
We'll use boys as an example, they're always problematic.
I have never had a boyfriend. For a long long time I was really upset with that fact, and I probably still am a little bit. But little by little God has been capturing my heart and my single-ness is not something that i revel in anymore. I know that God's plan is perfect. And so with my new found semi-contenedness in the situation I was ready to say no to boys all around. Enter: boy. I've known him since august and had the smallest of crushes on him since that time. But i knew that nothing would ever come of anything between us, it just wouldn't work out. Well, now things are starting to change with that. And I just don't know how to deal with it. Is what God really wants for me right now to have this guy in my life? If i'm not ready for a boy(friend?), and I don't necessarily believe that I am, why would this guy happen at this time? I simply cannot give up the part of me that longs for earthly affection. It's a downfall of mine, really, that I am not selfless enough to surrender this one desire.

that was the most emo, high school, girly, pointless blog in the world.
i'm sorry you read that.

Happy National Almond Day!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

February 8, 2011


I'm just here to say that I have been so blessed.
The Lord has divinely appointed this lovely girl and I to be friends and it becomes more obvious every day.
I won't go into details but know that God sees the big picture and His hand is at work in each of our lives every day.