I've been trying to decide what to blog about for the last two days. You think i'm joking, but i'm not. why it matters since no one reads this thing anyway? your guess is as good as mine.

so we'll chat about Capernaum first, yeah?
first things first: turns out it's ca-per-NEE-um. not ca-per-num. go figure. chances are that i'll split those two pronunciations 50/50. sorry ahead of time for my inconsistency.
Capernaum has kind of exploded. through no doing of our own, we have had such an incredible response to this ministry and it's overwhelming. we held an informational meeting at LifeStyles (a corporation that helps college aged (and above) people with disabilities become functional and independent members of society). Out of 19 students and families emailed, there was a response from eight of them. They'll be coming to a bowling event next week and we're taking at least one of those 19 to Polar Bear weekend in two weeks, maybe more.
The Lord has been so good to us.
He blesses us beyond what I can comprehend.
beyond what we deserve.
I'm speaking for myself here, but I'm confident Jonathan and Brittany would agree that the Lord is blessing and using this ministry in spite of our inadequacies. He is turning those inadequacies into spectacular displays of His majesty and power. it's such a blessing to be a part of.

I volunteer with a Special Olympics choir in Rogers and we had our first official meeting yesterday. There was a girl there named Katie who I had met before once or twice. When she found out that I remembered her name, I suddenly became her best friend! She held my hand and led me to seats right next to each other. A few minutes later, she put her arm around me and hugged me for at least 10 minutes during our meeting. All because I remembered her name.
On the long drive back to Fay (it's not thaaat long) I was thinking about just how beautiful that moment really was. I have done nothing to deserve Katie's affection. I haven't proven myself in any way. and she doesn't need me to.

This is why i think capernaum is so beautiful:
because i went into this choir thinking that I would be able to serve and bless my friends with disabilities but they ended up serving and blessing me beyond what I think I could do for them.
Katie showed me a picture of the gospel in a matter of moments. She showed me unconditional love. and in my opinion, that's the gospel in a nutshell; unconditional, relentless love.
He knows my name. and He delights in when I call His name.

I've been going through Jesus Calling ever since the most precious woman ever, (Karen Bonner: seriously y'all, she's such a blessing) generously gave it to our small group. The other night the devotional was over what we take delight in. and how the Lord takes delight in us when we take delight in what He's given us.

I have a list of things that make my heart smile that grows constantly, but here are a few things as of late that delight me:

baking: okay. i know how silly that sounds. but seriously. make all the woman jokes you want to, but life is just better in the kitchen. i like to bake delicious things. and i like making things that people enjoy.

Young Life: cliche, no? but real talk: i wouldn't be who i am right now without Young Life. the Lord has so graciously gifted me with this community of people that i can be ridiculous with and with whom i can also pretty much bear my soul and still feel completely loved and accepted and appreciated. I think heaven might be a little bit like young life. but i might have a smallish bias.

I delight in my roommate, she is a beautiful woman of the Lord that challenges me to be better. I delight in drinking milk out of coffee mugs, and singing Adele as loud as I can. I delight in dance parties even though I'm the worst dancer I know. i delight in the leaves changing colors in Fayetteville and mailing cookies to friends that live out of town. I delight in sleeping in and listening to people laugh and having girl talk with Keegan. The list goes on and on.

God has been so good to me. and I think that's why it was so difficult for me to blog. because i usually blog complaints, which i apologize for.
but right now? in this very moment, I couldn't be more joyful.
I am content. life doesn't suck, and it's not being turned upside down. the Lord isn't revealing to me that His plans are a complete 180 from my own (though i'm sure that's coming).
I am full.
God is present and what more could I possibly ask for? The Lord of all creation is madly in love with me. He takes delight in me.

and i delight in Him.

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a might one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

 

Luke 15.

sometimes I feel like the prodigal son. sometimes i feel like the brother. and sometimes, I feel like both.

"And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me share of property that is coming to me.'" 

I get so impatient with the Lord when I think that I'm doing well. I begin to think that i deserve some sort of reward for my faithfulness, or my "patience," or for my obedience. and i end up like the prodigal son, asking for my reward before i deserve it, or can handle it. I forget that my Father has plans that are far greater than i could ever imagine. and i end up eating filth with the pigs because i am too ashamed of my failure to run back to my Father who will welcome me with open arms.

"and he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything."


i dry up. and i get hungry. and there is no one to feed me because i have run away from my source of life. i began my settling for my own timing with my reward and kept settling until i was content to be eating with pigs.

"Father I have sinned against Heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your servants. And he arose and came to his father."


humility is hard. it is painful to admit that you need someone you ran away from, someone you practically wished dead. someone who's timing you thought insignificant compared to your own. being wrong is hard. and painful. and i am so often wrong.
i am the prodigal son.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." 


how deep my Father's love for me. this is so, so beautiful.
He loves unconditionally and keeps taking me back. time after time. even after i have abandoned His perfect plans for my own broken ones, He keeps taking me back.

i am also the other son.

"but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never game me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends."


i am angry when i don't stray from my Father's plans and i feel neglected because it seems like everyone else is getting what I want, and what I think I deserve.
I forget so easily! Lord help my unbelief. when i don't believe that You are good, and when I don't believe that You desire what is best for me, help my unbelief. help my forgetfulness, Lord.
remind me of Your goodness. and that You are sovereign. and that sovereignty means that I don't need to worry. or ask for my "share of the property" in advance. it means that I can rest joyfully content wherever I am because my God is good to me, and He is sovereign.
He knows my mess, and my desperation, and my longing, and my failures. and He takes me back every time.


"'For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to celebrate."


How beautiful is it that every time I come crawling back to my Father, He welcomes me with open arms. and there is cause for celebration.

Patience.

Soundtrack for this post:

Good news first, yeah?
okay, so Capernaum has absolutely taken off, and I couldn't be more ecstatic about that. The Lord has so graciously blessed us. We have a new team member, Brittany. She is incredible. Our team is coming together and our visions for this ministry have come together in a way that only the Lord could have orchestrated. and, friends, it is absolutely beautiful.
I don't think a day has passed in the last two weeks without some sort of "I'm SO EXCITED ABOUT CAPERNAUM" text message being exchanged between our team. plans are being made, and set in motion. We have so many fresh faces that are anxious to be involved in Young Life and that is an answer to prayer indefinitely. The Lord has continued to show me that in Him life is fruitful. and He is faithful. and He provides abundantly.

The only thing left to do now is wait. I hate waiting.

Which brings me to my next not-so-cherry thing.
I have been sheltered in my life by never having a boyfriend. never being forced to give up some part of my heart and not get it back. I (and every girl i complain to who has ever had her heart broken by a boyfriend) will admit that I have been blessed this way. and i know that the Lord has given graciously to me in this. He has been protecting me from what I cannot handle.
But I've been waiting for over nineteen years for someone to want me. and i feel like it's high time that some man of God gets his act together and pursues me. is that too much to ask?!
Because i go through these periods of being so peacefully content with Gods plan and being more than okay with still being alone because i know that the Lord is more than enough for me. But then i go through times of such intense want. and it's not that i forget that God is enough for me. but i get stuck in this rut of thinking that i need more.
i begin to think that i deserve someone in my life to love me. i think that i deserve to be "happy" like that. i think that i deserve more than what God is allowing me to enjoy.
and i'm mad at myself. i'm angry with myself for thinking that i deserve anything good. and i'm mad at myself for thinking that God is holding out on me. I'm angry because i should be joyful in this moment and these circumstances. because i know that God is enough. always.
so maybe it's the wedding blogs i keep "stumbling" upon. or maybe it's the romance novels and smooth jazz every night before I go to bed. maybe it's spending the last 19 years as single as the day i was born and feeling like no one gets it. or cares. and feeling like that will never change.
i know i'm wrong. so, so wrong. but not because i know that "some day my prince will come." but because i know that God is still enough.
and regardless of if i'm waiting for one more year, or the rest of my years, i know that one day i will stand in the presence of someone who loves me more than life itself.
because what i deserve is death. and i deserve to be alone. but the mercy of my God keeps me from getting what i deserve. and i deserve the worst. His beautiful grace allows me to prosper.
so i will wait. i will wait and wait and wait. but i will live. and i will live fully. i will live for the day that I can look my lover in the eyes. for i am my beloveds and He is mine. and He is enough. always.


"if we are faithless, He remains faithful for He cannot deny Himself." - 2 Timothy 2:13

"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." - Romans 8:6

"He [Jesus] said to them [me], 'Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?'" -Mark 4:40

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry" - Psalm 40:1

O, taste and see that the Lord is good.

great sadness

if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
i am drowning in His overwhelming grace and love.
times are hard, but God is always good.

my prayer, Father, is that You would overwhelm us with Your comfort, love, peace, and joy. Remind us that there is a greater story being written. One that is greater than any of us can comprehend. Let us bask in the truth that You work all things for the good of those who love You. and let us celebrate a life well lived. Turn for us our mourning into dancing. clothe us with gladness. turn our mourning into joy. You are so, so good to us, Lord.

Three. [Short and Sweet]

My life has not been easy. but it has always been good.
Mark's life has not been easy, and by a lot of people's standards, it probably  hasn't been good either. but Mark has an incredible perspective. One that I can only hope to attain one day. I don't know a lot about Mark. He's in a chair, and he has a smile that lights up the world around him. I had the privilege of meeting Mark at NorthBay in July. and he has changed my life.
The first club of the week I was with some other summer staff girls watching from the back. John was talking about God's love. He was saying that he understood that sometimes it felt like God didn't love us. He said "you might be sitting there thinking 'where was God when this happened? how can you say that God loves me when this has happened?'" in the middle of this, Mark started talking to John. and who ever else was listening. He was practically shouting. "it doesn't matter!" he said. "It doesn't matter what you've been through, or what you think! God loves you. He loves you no matter what. God loves you. And you might not think so, but He does."
we were all stunned to silence. and then the club room erupted into applause.
I was crying. (duh. i always cry.) I had goose bumps. to say that i was amazed would be an understatement. i was overwhelmed.
and that's when it dawned on me that these Capernaum folks see and know God far more clearly and intimately than I. I long for childlike faith. My Capernaum friends have it. and I am filled with a jealousy for it.
Mark knows that God loves him. And He believes it. There are no if's and's or but's. because of his childlike faith, Mark can sit in a room full of people, believers and non-believers and say with confidence that no matter your circumstances, God loves you. and He never stops loving you.
Almost a month later, and here I sit, still amazed by this guy. I have no idea what Mark's been through. and he has no idea what I've been through. but there is one truth that binds us together, one truth that Mark has ingrained on my heart: God never stops loving us.

an update on the Capernaum: Fayetteville front, because that's why i started this blog in the first place.
I move back to Arkansas on Wednesday. that's three days for those of you counting (mom). And that means that in three days this all becomes real.
Not that it wasn't real to begin with, but plans will start becoming actions. and as excited as i am about that, i am scared to death.
that quite confidence i possessed early this spring has faded and been replaced by an almost petrifying fear. but a fear that comforts me. crazy, right?
but having this fear just makes me that much more confident that i'm on the right track. I know that this fear comes from the enemy whispering insecurity and inadequacy in my ear. but here I am, shouting back Christ's power made perfect in my weakness.
In the next few weeks meetings will take place, emails will be sent, and fresh-faced freshman will be introduced to me. I will meet people that will eventually make up this team that is so dear to my heart.
Thinking about that literally makes my stomach churn. But i have confidence. I am confident because God has gone before me and prepared a way.
this time next month, God willing, I will have met high school kids. I will be a part of their classrooms and lives. I will have girls that I can be praying for by face and name. I cannot wait. girls that the Lord has planned for me to meet. planned since the beginning of time. and that knowledge gives me so much joy.

Two. [Dane and Tim.]

Two stories: Tim and Dane. I could tell stories about campers from Capernaum week for hours. But I won’t. not this time anyway. (hang in there, or at the very least, skip to the end. It gets good, I promise)

1.

Tim is quite possibly one of the most legit guys I’ve ever met. I’m still not positive what his diagnosis is, maybe CP, but I really don’t know. Tim was close to being classified non-verbal but he does make sounds and says some words. He is incredible. I first saw Tim before club one afternoon. (Capernaum camp does club backwards, and not at night). He has a scooter that he rides around on some of the time, but he’s also capable of walking. I was curious.

I met him, formally, the next day on the swing. He was in his scooter so I walked over to him to see if we needed to rig up our wheel-chair-pulley-system (a pain in the butt, but totally worth it every time). I asked Tim if he’d need us to rig up this system and he said no, he’d be able to climb the stairs, step into the swing and get himself out at the end of the ride. Mind blown #1.
Tim had a family with him, a mom, dad, sister and brother, but not his family. I’m still a little confused about all that. It was “policy” (more like preference) for us to put campers in chest harnesses, just to err on the side of caution so no one found out a little to late that they couldn’t support their weight when the swing was in motion (and to save us a heart attack). I walked over to Tim with a chest harness and told him that I was going to help him into it. He got a little mad. But nowhere near as mad as the “father” that was with him. “Tim bikes five miles a day, he’s stronger than I am! (this guy was not small) He doesn’t need that!” He was adamant to say the least. And we were nervous. Tim didn’t look like he’d be able to hold himself upright, he didn’t look like he’d be able to climb up the stairs. But he could. And he did. Over, and over, and over again. Tim rode the swing at least twice a day. And by the end of the week, he was cutting the cord. Tim has so much joy. He laughs, he smiles, he jokes with us: about chest harnesses and muscles and biking THIRTY-FIVE MILES IN ONE DAY (mind blown #2).

I can’t really put my finger on it, but Tim had something about him. There was something that stuck with me. His smile. His spirit. His laugh. Something was different about this kid. Tim’s life couldn’t have been easy up to this point. People (guilty) always judging him by appearance and assuming he couldn’t do things by himself…or at all. He could have easily gotten angry with me when I asked to put a chest harness on him, or if he could use the stairs, but he didn’t. He has a heart like I desire, a gentleness that I covet. And I feel so, so blessed to have met him.

2.

Dane was a cool kid. He is nonverbal and his buddy/leader is so, so devoted to him. I’m sure he told Dane the names of hundreds of people when they were at camp. Dane would always make a motion at people and that meant that he wanted to know their name, and Dane’s buddy would dutifully and joyfully repeat name after name after name to Dane. One afternoon at club, Dane and his buddy were picked to play a game. The buddy was supposed to stack as many Oreos on top of the campers’ forehead as they could before time ran out. Dane and his buddy lost…by a lot. But that’s because Dane kept asking his buddy for the Oreos so that he could eat them. (I would have wanted that, too, lets be honest, this kids got the right idea!) But even then, in the midst of eating Oreos to his hearts content, Dane didn’t smile. Throughout the week I would see Dane, but never smiling. I don’t know if I just missed it, or if it never happened.

Until one day when Dane and his buddy came to ride the swing. The swing can be exhausting. It’s hot. And you never stop sweating. EVER. And campers never put on their harnesses right the first time. And kids always crowd the deck. And you say the same thing every time a group gets on the swing. And 1 in 4 campers always get upset that they have to wear a chest harness. And it just gets tiring.
Dane came to ride the swing that afternoon and it was nothing special. He had the same expression as always, and I wasn’t expecting anything “life-changing.” But God has a funny way of turning the ordinary into extraordinary. Dane’s smile after they pulled the ripcord could go down in my book as the biggest I’ve ever seen. It’s crazy to think that something so simple to the rest of us could possibly be the one thing that makes a kid smile all week.

And it makes me wonder, how much do I take for granted? How much joy have I been given every day that I overlook? I want to be the kind of person that gets extraordinary joy from ordinary circumstances because I am so compelled by the love that my Savior has for me. And because I see in every thing that my God is blessing me beyond what I can begin to comprehend. I want to be Dane experiencing the swing for the first time. And I want to be Emily so, so happy that every 2 minutes I yell “Group Hug!!” and embrace whoever is closest to me, because the Lord has blessed me, and I don’t know how else to deal the joy that comes from that. I want to stop overlooking the little things. And I want to stop being so consumed with what “doesn’t go right.” I want to believe 100% of the time that God is blessing my mess. And when I tend to believe that there is no way to see grace, or beauty, or joy in something, I want to fight that. And I want to see it. I want to see joy. And I want my heart to smile so big that it goes down in record books. Because my God loves me. And He desires me to be joyful. And I long to fulfill His desires.

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,” -1 Peter 1:8

“Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy;” –Isaiah 60:5

“…with divine retribution he will come to save you. Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. The will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy.” –Isaiah 35:4-6

“he sees God’s face and shouts for joy.” –Job 33:26
oh that I would see God’s face constantly, and live a life that shouts for joy.

One.

I’ve decided to do “installments” of blogs. because those fifteen days at NorthBay were too big for one blog. And I’m using the word installments because it’s 10 at night, I’m on medicine and it seems like the dumbest, best word I can find right now.

Well, blog, here we go.

Needless to say, I’ve been putting this off. Which is weird because I love to blog about things that happen to me.

I guess I just didn’t have the words to say this time. How does one put in to words the experience I just (more or less) had at NorthBay? I find that I’m struggling with that a lot, actually. On our last night while we were anxiously awaiting an anti-climactic climb to the top of a water tower (anti-climactic because it didn’t happen) a friend asked “what has the Lord been teaching you since you’ve been here?” and I couldn’t really answer. Not because I hadn’t learned anything, but because I didn’t really know what I had learned. At least not in that moment. 

It’s hard to say in words how living in community like we did made my heart smile so big, and how that 15 days of community will keep me going.

It’s hard to articulate exactly how wiping up a kid’s urine on the swing humbled me beyond what I thought was possible (or necessary, for that matter) and how that will always stay with me. But the least I can do is try:

Hands and feet of Jesus. That was our “slogan” on summer staff. And I found that to be more burdensome at times than encouraging. It was great when things were going really well, when kids smiled and waved at you or gave you hugs towards the end of the week because they remembered you and thought you were the “bees knees.” 

And when those very same kids you coached through the giant swing stood up at say so on the last day, you could say with utmost confidence “I was the hands and feet of Jesus this week.” 

But when a Capernaum camper relieves himself on the swing and doesn’t even know that he’s done it and you are the lucky one that gets to wipe it up, telling yourself (and even others, in my case) that you’re the “hands and feet of Jesus” starts to become a pride issue. 

Hands and feet of Jesus no longer means being humble and serving Him by serving kids, it no longer means having a servants heart and loving kids so that they’ll, in turn, see Jesus. It doesn’t mean that you are considering it a joy to do this work. It becomes an issue of pride. It equates me with the Lord of all creation. I put myself on a pedestal because I cleaned up a campers pee. I was not humbled by it; I gave myself credit for it. I patted myself on the back for it and expected others to do the same. When in reality, (figurative reality that is) that’s what all service should be. Whether I’m doing something “beneath me” like cleaning up pee or doing something beautiful, like carrying someone confined to a wheel chair on my back in the pool or at crud wars. It’s all so that kids see HIS glory. And it doesn’t matter who does it, or how bad it smells, or that you get in trouble for not wearing gloves when you do it. The point is that you do it. And it’s a joy. It’s a joy to be chosen by the creator of the universe to be His ambassador. To represent Him here on this earth. 

Real talk: Jesus would’ve cleaned up pee and then some. Jesus would’ve traded pants with this kid, so he didn’t have to walk around in his shame and embarrassment the rest of the day. Jesus would have told everyone that He was the one to pee in the swing. The kid would’ve gotten off scoff free. The beautiful thing? That’s exactly what He’s done for each of us. He has taken my soiled rags and exchanged them with His fine linens. He has not only covered my shame and embarrassment but removed it from me and taken it as His own. And He doesn’t care that I cleaned up pee. He cares that I love Him. and He cares that I love Him enough to want others to love Him. and it doesn’t matter what that looks like, it just matters that it is.

What did North Bay teach me?

Community.

Humility.

Service.

Love.

Maybe it wasn’t everything I expected it to be, but I’m so glad it wasn’t. I’m happy that I have friends whose absence makes my heart ache. I’m happy that I can look back at those fifteen days and see beauty. Not boyfriends, or crushes, or enemies, or a complete transformation in my life. But I see best friends, and redemption, and blessed conversation, and service, and I see God chipping away at my inadequacies. Inadequacies that might not be as big as they used to be, but are still there, and are still a stumbling block to me every day. But more than that, I see a God that hasn’t given up on my sinful, unreliable, ungrateful, prideful self. And there is so much grace in that.