"So, the asparagus was a hit..."
Things I learned this weekend: awkward is not a sin.

This weekend I traveled to the one and only College Staion, TX.
Why? Well, I still don't really know.
If I could describe the weekend in one word it would be "awkward."
Why? I don't know that either.
But I think that the Lord enjoys our awkward moments just as much as we do in retrospect.
one would think that six people, all with mutual friends, all Young Life leaders and all believers would be able to hold conversation for the duration of a dinner. maybe it can be done with some people, but i did not experience that this weekend.
I had this big blog all planned out about awkwardness and such but I think that the Lord has laid something greater on my heart recently.
So here's what I have to say about this weekend: God is bigger than our circumstances. He loves us. He works good for us. He rejoices in awkward moments. and awkward hours. and awkward weekends. He takes joy in His creation, no matter how strange we happen to be.

Now, time for the real blog.

my joy has been robbed by the dirty thief of false contentedness.
I've been walking through life the last few weeks...or months if i'm going to be completely honest, telling myself that I am a-okay. That life is grand and that I am content with what is going on.
but today, thousands of feet above texas/oklahoma I discovered that I've been lying to myself.
all of a sudden, i felt so alone and destitute. i had absolutely no joy.

I didn't have a book to read on my flight, I didn't have music to listen to, I was on the aisle seat and the flight was quite a turbulent one, so I couldn't sleep. but i did have my bible.
first i read Malachi. talk about a downer. It's all about how the Lord is not pleased with the offerings His people are bringing. After reading this, I was like, "okay, cool. but I don't bring offerings and I don't think that You are displeased with me...soooo?" Then I thought about it some more.
One of the things I love about the Old Testament is how much it points to the coming of the Savior.
these priests in the book of Malachi were being reprimanded because they were presenting unfit offerings. I don't have to worry about that. Jesus Christ is the ultimate offering.
God looks on me and doesn't see my inadequacies, but Christ's blood washing me clean and making me fit.

Before I had that revelation, I was not happy with my biblical wanderings and still had 30 minutes to kill on the plane. and that led me right to the book of Hosea.

If you haven't read Redeeming Love stop what you're doing right now, get yourself a copy and don't do anything else until you've read it cover to cover. It is that good.

I am a lot like Gomer.

She was a prostitute. She sought for love everywhere but the place where should could find it, and have it everlasting and unconditionally.
I am not a prostitute. Let that be made unnecessarily clear. But i do search for love.
maybe love is too big of a word. I search for affirmation. and I yearn to be desired and thought of.
The thing is, when I feel like I've got someone who is desiring me and thinking of me, I'm eager to say that I'm "content with my singleness" but I'm not, because I'm thinking into the future, and the person I assume (usually stupidly) is thinking about and desiring me, I see making an effort to pursue me into a relationship. and that's not contentedness. that's just stupid.
I go running from one person to another seeking affirmation and getting left with nothing but emptiness and frustration and a lack of joy.
I think that's like Gomer.
I know that the Lord loves me. and desires me. and thinks of me. but I keep running back to my old ways. I run to earthly affirmation.
Gomer knows that Hosea loves her. and desires her. and thinks of her. but she keeps running back to her old ways. She runs to men that use her and toss her aside. She runs to what gives temporary satisfaction.
I run to things that give temporary satisfaction.
"For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.' And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold...Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness." Hosea 2:4-9

God is good. I am just like Gomer. And the Lord has treated me as such. I go after my "lovers" because I think that they give me what I desire and what I need.
But it's not them. It's the Lord. He is loving me by blessing me with those things.
But He is taking them away so that I can no longer fool myself into thinking that I am a-okay. He is making me run back towards Him for what I need. and for what I desire.
and it hurts. but it's a good hurt.

I may or may not have cried on the plane today. There's a chance that I wanted to throw up and laugh and cry and punch things all at once.
I am not satisfied because I am not putting my whole self-worth into the hands of the Creator who will never, ever see someone who is not good enough.
He is romancing me. and until i realize that He is the only one who will never let me down and always want me, He is hedging up my way and building a wall around my heart so that He can have it.
All of my heart. every day, every moment, every thought and every desire will be His.
Until then, I am single. contented or not.
the Lord is romancing me.
I will fall into the arms of the One who will never let me go. The only One who has never stopped thinking of me. never stopped desiring me. and never stopped loving me.

"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." Hosea 2:19-20