secrets to the "John 10:10" life.
laughter
affection
beauty
poignancy
triumph in best effort
being satisfied
enjoying a meal
frivolity

"I have come so that they may have life and have it more abundantly."

Leader weekend is my favorite weekend of the year.
I only did three things this weekend: laugh, talk about jesus, and sleep.
and that, friends, is life as it should be.

Laughter: who would win in a fight: Fayetteville YL version. kidney stones. spoons. stories. late night fun. 

Affection: hugs. love. handshakes. high fives. 

Beauty: worship. sunsets. friends. arkansas. 
  
Poignancy: mental snapshots. sunsets. rolling down hills. acting like children. sweet friends, sweet outdoors, sweet Lord.

Triumph in best effort: crazy car games on 540. spoons. Capernaum.

Satisfaction: new friends. old friends. 

Meal time: sonic. 4-H lady-talk. perpendicular angle parking. the "cleanse". 

Frivolity: adventuring home. locked roads. no roads. stopping to watch the sun set. 

what i learned this weekend: life matters.

life is not meant to be taken in a hurry.
people matter. moments matters.
everything else can wait.

i thought about writing many insightful, inspiring, serious stuff, but it all boils down to one thing: God made this life beautiful. The worst thing we could do is miss that.

New Year

Well, here it is, the cliché first blog of the New Year.

Don’t worry, I’ll blog again soon about more interesting things.

I just think I need to get this one out of the way first.

New Years Eve is always kind of exciting to me.

This year I got to spend it at Crooked Creek Ranch with some of my high school young life friends, but more on that later.

The New Years Eve party at CCR was kickin.

One thing I love about Young Life is that we know how to party and we’re not afraid to do it big.

I didn’t really have time to think about resolutions because I was:

1. Raving.

2. Hanging out with some super cool girls. And

3. In a car from 730am-1230am the following day.

However, today, on my drive back to OK, I got some quality thought time.

I was thinking about the person I always assumed I would be, the person I always wanted to be, and the person I actually am.

Those thoughts triggered my list of new years resolutions, 12 to be exact, one for each month. And those resolutions are as follows:

1. Run a 10k.
            I plan to do this on Saturday, April 12, 2012 in the Remember the 10 run in Stillwater. This is more of an introductory resolution to a bigger item on my bucket list “run a half marathon.”

2. Record a demo.
            For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to play music. I started writing songs a while ago. I started playing these songs for my friends a few months ago. I started playing these songs at shows not too long after that. Might as well have these songs of mine on some sort of recordable/replayable hardware.

3. Grow a pair and send that demo to a recording studio.

            You’ll never know unless you try. So here goes nothing…

4.  Make all A’s and B’s.

            Not a lofty goal for most people, but I had a pretty rough time last semester, gimme a break!

5. Do something unexpected

            Vague, I know. But when the time comes, I’ll know what to do. I never want to be predictable. I never want to live life the way others expect me to. I want to take chances, and risks and be surprising and spontaneous. I plan on completing this resolution more than once in 2012, after all, it’s supposed to be the end of the world, right? Might as well go out with a bang. (DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT ACTUALLY BELIEVE THE WORLD WILL END IN 2012)

6. Invent a recipe.

            Think outside of the box. I love to bake, but it’s about time I tried my hand at going off book and making something truly from scratch.

7. Do something that scares me.

            This goes hand-in-hand with number six. I’m not a very big risk taker, but I want to be. I want to do things that scare me because if I don’t, I’ll never know what I missed out on. And I don’t want to miss out on anything. (NOTE: sending my music to a recording studio will not count as doing something that scares me. Even if the thought alone makes me want to poop.)

8. Journal more.

            I’m absolutely horrible at consistent journaling. I want to be able to look back at my life in 10, 20, 30, 50 years and be able to remember exactly what was happening, exactly what I was thinking, and exactly how I was feeling by reading old journals.

9. Get fit, eat healthier.

            I’m not unfit, but I could be better. I’m not unhealthy, but I could be better. I want to live a long, healthy life. This is step one.

10. Be more bold; tell people how I feel.

            It scares me how many people probably don’t know how much I care about them. This resolution is two sided. I want people to know how much they mean to me. I think that a lot of times I have scared people off, or unknowingly pushed them away because I’m bad at vocalizing how I feel. If I like a guy, I’m not going to be ashamed to tell him that I think he’s supa fly. Not a week should pass when I don’t tell my friends how grateful I am for them, and how much they bless me.

11. Travel.

            Vague again, get over it. God has given us this whole world to enjoy. I feel like I’m taking it for granted by not seeing as much of it as I can while I can. So this year I want to see more and do more with what He’s given me to enjoy. I don’t know when or where or how this will happen, but when it does, I’ll take full advantage of it.

12. Write a song that makes people cry.

            I want to write something that means something. I want to be able to say what people feel but are too afraid to express themselves. I want to sing about things that people don’t even realize they can identify with until the moment they hear it. I want my music to pull on people’s heartstrings. I want to make a difference. I want to make people cry.

So there you have it. 12 resolutions for 12 months. We’ll see how this goes. 

Eternal Importance

If I'm being completely honest, I'm not very good at prioritizing.
If I'm being completely honest, I'm not very good at distinguishing between what needs to happen and what I would like to happen.
If I'm being completely honest, by the worlds standards I have a lot of things backwards and not right and out of whack.

but ya know what? I don't really care.
I give a lot of my time to things that matter to me. and I don't say that to be prideful, or to make y'all think "oh, she's such a servant" because this is not about me. but i say this because a lot of people may think that I give too much. but i have too much, so why not give it away? Jesus gave His life and if i want to be anything like the One who loves best and serves best and is accepting and giving and merciful beyond comprehension, then I have to give more.

Jesus' own words: "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much more will be required..." 
I have been so blessed. People have been willing to pour into my life and give themselves to me. Why should I not do the same thing?

Finals were this week. If you didn't know that, you're probably 1. old, 2. dumb, 3. living under a rock.
I haven't gotten enough sleep. I have studied entirely too much. My mind is exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. and watch TV. and never think about school work again.
I didn't too so hot in my classes this semester. I really, really will do better next semester. and all the ones after that. But looking back, I don't really regret anything.
I needed to learn that life isn't easy. and just because things don't come easily to me, doesn't mean that I should give up. I gave up this semester. It sucks. I shouldn't have quit trying, but I did. that, I regret.

I don't, however, regret staying up so late talking about life with my roommate that I couldn't pull myself out of bed in the morning. I don't regret not going to a review session because I was coming home from the most awkward/awful/adventurous weekend in College Station with my three best friends.
Because in the long run, my grades don't matter.
years from now, I'll hardly remember the stress and anxiety I'm feeling right now.
I won't recall how I cried in the shower thinking about talking to my parents about how I probably won't graduate on time, and how I didn't try my hardest this semester and how disappointed I am in myself.
I won't remember everything I've learned about accounting, and psychology, and business law, and microeconomics.

I will remember that sometimes awkward can't be avoided.
I will remember how rewarding Capernaum is.
I will remember how much fun it was living with my best friend.
I will remember baking cookies for my neighbors and then running away.
I will remember having the very first inclusion club, and taking our first kids to Polar Bear weekend.
I'll never forget the ways the Lord has provided  for me.
I'll remember romance novels and smooth jazz. (channel 935)
I'll remember feeling passionately for things.
and I'll remember that people can be disappointing. but the Lords great love never fails.
I'll remember playing my first gig at Mama Carmens.
I'll remember doing ridiculous things in order to go to hockey games.
and I'll remember checking the mailbox everyday (sometimes twice a day) for something that would never end up coming.
I will remember learning the hard way over and over and over again that God is enough. He is sufficient.

who cares if life gets in the way of school?
Sometimes, I think life is more educational anyway.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2 

I want to make sure you hear me right: school is important. I am not proud of what happened this semester. but i don't regret a single thing. I am not making excuses. I am not trying to justify my failures. I just want to let out a little sliver of my soul and say that my priorities may be backwards to a lot of people. but all i want to do is love Jesus and love people. everything else is secondary.

"So, the asparagus was a hit..."
Things I learned this weekend: awkward is not a sin.

This weekend I traveled to the one and only College Staion, TX.
Why? Well, I still don't really know.
If I could describe the weekend in one word it would be "awkward."
Why? I don't know that either.
But I think that the Lord enjoys our awkward moments just as much as we do in retrospect.
one would think that six people, all with mutual friends, all Young Life leaders and all believers would be able to hold conversation for the duration of a dinner. maybe it can be done with some people, but i did not experience that this weekend.
I had this big blog all planned out about awkwardness and such but I think that the Lord has laid something greater on my heart recently.
So here's what I have to say about this weekend: God is bigger than our circumstances. He loves us. He works good for us. He rejoices in awkward moments. and awkward hours. and awkward weekends. He takes joy in His creation, no matter how strange we happen to be.

Now, time for the real blog.

my joy has been robbed by the dirty thief of false contentedness.
I've been walking through life the last few weeks...or months if i'm going to be completely honest, telling myself that I am a-okay. That life is grand and that I am content with what is going on.
but today, thousands of feet above texas/oklahoma I discovered that I've been lying to myself.
all of a sudden, i felt so alone and destitute. i had absolutely no joy.

I didn't have a book to read on my flight, I didn't have music to listen to, I was on the aisle seat and the flight was quite a turbulent one, so I couldn't sleep. but i did have my bible.
first i read Malachi. talk about a downer. It's all about how the Lord is not pleased with the offerings His people are bringing. After reading this, I was like, "okay, cool. but I don't bring offerings and I don't think that You are displeased with me...soooo?" Then I thought about it some more.
One of the things I love about the Old Testament is how much it points to the coming of the Savior.
these priests in the book of Malachi were being reprimanded because they were presenting unfit offerings. I don't have to worry about that. Jesus Christ is the ultimate offering.
God looks on me and doesn't see my inadequacies, but Christ's blood washing me clean and making me fit.

Before I had that revelation, I was not happy with my biblical wanderings and still had 30 minutes to kill on the plane. and that led me right to the book of Hosea.

If you haven't read Redeeming Love stop what you're doing right now, get yourself a copy and don't do anything else until you've read it cover to cover. It is that good.

I am a lot like Gomer.

She was a prostitute. She sought for love everywhere but the place where should could find it, and have it everlasting and unconditionally.
I am not a prostitute. Let that be made unnecessarily clear. But i do search for love.
maybe love is too big of a word. I search for affirmation. and I yearn to be desired and thought of.
The thing is, when I feel like I've got someone who is desiring me and thinking of me, I'm eager to say that I'm "content with my singleness" but I'm not, because I'm thinking into the future, and the person I assume (usually stupidly) is thinking about and desiring me, I see making an effort to pursue me into a relationship. and that's not contentedness. that's just stupid.
I go running from one person to another seeking affirmation and getting left with nothing but emptiness and frustration and a lack of joy.
I think that's like Gomer.
I know that the Lord loves me. and desires me. and thinks of me. but I keep running back to my old ways. I run to earthly affirmation.
Gomer knows that Hosea loves her. and desires her. and thinks of her. but she keeps running back to her old ways. She runs to men that use her and toss her aside. She runs to what gives temporary satisfaction.
I run to things that give temporary satisfaction.
"For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.' And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold...Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness." Hosea 2:4-9

God is good. I am just like Gomer. And the Lord has treated me as such. I go after my "lovers" because I think that they give me what I desire and what I need.
But it's not them. It's the Lord. He is loving me by blessing me with those things.
But He is taking them away so that I can no longer fool myself into thinking that I am a-okay. He is making me run back towards Him for what I need. and for what I desire.
and it hurts. but it's a good hurt.

I may or may not have cried on the plane today. There's a chance that I wanted to throw up and laugh and cry and punch things all at once.
I am not satisfied because I am not putting my whole self-worth into the hands of the Creator who will never, ever see someone who is not good enough.
He is romancing me. and until i realize that He is the only one who will never let me down and always want me, He is hedging up my way and building a wall around my heart so that He can have it.
All of my heart. every day, every moment, every thought and every desire will be His.
Until then, I am single. contented or not.
the Lord is romancing me.
I will fall into the arms of the One who will never let me go. The only One who has never stopped thinking of me. never stopped desiring me. and never stopped loving me.

"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." Hosea 2:19-20

I've been trying to decide what to blog about for the last two days. You think i'm joking, but i'm not. why it matters since no one reads this thing anyway? your guess is as good as mine.

so we'll chat about Capernaum first, yeah?
first things first: turns out it's ca-per-NEE-um. not ca-per-num. go figure. chances are that i'll split those two pronunciations 50/50. sorry ahead of time for my inconsistency.
Capernaum has kind of exploded. through no doing of our own, we have had such an incredible response to this ministry and it's overwhelming. we held an informational meeting at LifeStyles (a corporation that helps college aged (and above) people with disabilities become functional and independent members of society). Out of 19 students and families emailed, there was a response from eight of them. They'll be coming to a bowling event next week and we're taking at least one of those 19 to Polar Bear weekend in two weeks, maybe more.
The Lord has been so good to us.
He blesses us beyond what I can comprehend.
beyond what we deserve.
I'm speaking for myself here, but I'm confident Jonathan and Brittany would agree that the Lord is blessing and using this ministry in spite of our inadequacies. He is turning those inadequacies into spectacular displays of His majesty and power. it's such a blessing to be a part of.

I volunteer with a Special Olympics choir in Rogers and we had our first official meeting yesterday. There was a girl there named Katie who I had met before once or twice. When she found out that I remembered her name, I suddenly became her best friend! She held my hand and led me to seats right next to each other. A few minutes later, she put her arm around me and hugged me for at least 10 minutes during our meeting. All because I remembered her name.
On the long drive back to Fay (it's not thaaat long) I was thinking about just how beautiful that moment really was. I have done nothing to deserve Katie's affection. I haven't proven myself in any way. and she doesn't need me to.

This is why i think capernaum is so beautiful:
because i went into this choir thinking that I would be able to serve and bless my friends with disabilities but they ended up serving and blessing me beyond what I think I could do for them.
Katie showed me a picture of the gospel in a matter of moments. She showed me unconditional love. and in my opinion, that's the gospel in a nutshell; unconditional, relentless love.
He knows my name. and He delights in when I call His name.

I've been going through Jesus Calling ever since the most precious woman ever, (Karen Bonner: seriously y'all, she's such a blessing) generously gave it to our small group. The other night the devotional was over what we take delight in. and how the Lord takes delight in us when we take delight in what He's given us.

I have a list of things that make my heart smile that grows constantly, but here are a few things as of late that delight me:

baking: okay. i know how silly that sounds. but seriously. make all the woman jokes you want to, but life is just better in the kitchen. i like to bake delicious things. and i like making things that people enjoy.

Young Life: cliche, no? but real talk: i wouldn't be who i am right now without Young Life. the Lord has so graciously gifted me with this community of people that i can be ridiculous with and with whom i can also pretty much bear my soul and still feel completely loved and accepted and appreciated. I think heaven might be a little bit like young life. but i might have a smallish bias.

I delight in my roommate, she is a beautiful woman of the Lord that challenges me to be better. I delight in drinking milk out of coffee mugs, and singing Adele as loud as I can. I delight in dance parties even though I'm the worst dancer I know. i delight in the leaves changing colors in Fayetteville and mailing cookies to friends that live out of town. I delight in sleeping in and listening to people laugh and having girl talk with Keegan. The list goes on and on.

God has been so good to me. and I think that's why it was so difficult for me to blog. because i usually blog complaints, which i apologize for.
but right now? in this very moment, I couldn't be more joyful.
I am content. life doesn't suck, and it's not being turned upside down. the Lord isn't revealing to me that His plans are a complete 180 from my own (though i'm sure that's coming).
I am full.
God is present and what more could I possibly ask for? The Lord of all creation is madly in love with me. He takes delight in me.

and i delight in Him.

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a might one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

 

Luke 15.

sometimes I feel like the prodigal son. sometimes i feel like the brother. and sometimes, I feel like both.

"And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me share of property that is coming to me.'" 

I get so impatient with the Lord when I think that I'm doing well. I begin to think that i deserve some sort of reward for my faithfulness, or my "patience," or for my obedience. and i end up like the prodigal son, asking for my reward before i deserve it, or can handle it. I forget that my Father has plans that are far greater than i could ever imagine. and i end up eating filth with the pigs because i am too ashamed of my failure to run back to my Father who will welcome me with open arms.

"and he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything."


i dry up. and i get hungry. and there is no one to feed me because i have run away from my source of life. i began my settling for my own timing with my reward and kept settling until i was content to be eating with pigs.

"Father I have sinned against Heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your servants. And he arose and came to his father."


humility is hard. it is painful to admit that you need someone you ran away from, someone you practically wished dead. someone who's timing you thought insignificant compared to your own. being wrong is hard. and painful. and i am so often wrong.
i am the prodigal son.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." 


how deep my Father's love for me. this is so, so beautiful.
He loves unconditionally and keeps taking me back. time after time. even after i have abandoned His perfect plans for my own broken ones, He keeps taking me back.

i am also the other son.

"but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never game me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends."


i am angry when i don't stray from my Father's plans and i feel neglected because it seems like everyone else is getting what I want, and what I think I deserve.
I forget so easily! Lord help my unbelief. when i don't believe that You are good, and when I don't believe that You desire what is best for me, help my unbelief. help my forgetfulness, Lord.
remind me of Your goodness. and that You are sovereign. and that sovereignty means that I don't need to worry. or ask for my "share of the property" in advance. it means that I can rest joyfully content wherever I am because my God is good to me, and He is sovereign.
He knows my mess, and my desperation, and my longing, and my failures. and He takes me back every time.


"'For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to celebrate."


How beautiful is it that every time I come crawling back to my Father, He welcomes me with open arms. and there is cause for celebration.

Patience.

Soundtrack for this post:

Good news first, yeah?
okay, so Capernaum has absolutely taken off, and I couldn't be more ecstatic about that. The Lord has so graciously blessed us. We have a new team member, Brittany. She is incredible. Our team is coming together and our visions for this ministry have come together in a way that only the Lord could have orchestrated. and, friends, it is absolutely beautiful.
I don't think a day has passed in the last two weeks without some sort of "I'm SO EXCITED ABOUT CAPERNAUM" text message being exchanged between our team. plans are being made, and set in motion. We have so many fresh faces that are anxious to be involved in Young Life and that is an answer to prayer indefinitely. The Lord has continued to show me that in Him life is fruitful. and He is faithful. and He provides abundantly.

The only thing left to do now is wait. I hate waiting.

Which brings me to my next not-so-cherry thing.
I have been sheltered in my life by never having a boyfriend. never being forced to give up some part of my heart and not get it back. I (and every girl i complain to who has ever had her heart broken by a boyfriend) will admit that I have been blessed this way. and i know that the Lord has given graciously to me in this. He has been protecting me from what I cannot handle.
But I've been waiting for over nineteen years for someone to want me. and i feel like it's high time that some man of God gets his act together and pursues me. is that too much to ask?!
Because i go through these periods of being so peacefully content with Gods plan and being more than okay with still being alone because i know that the Lord is more than enough for me. But then i go through times of such intense want. and it's not that i forget that God is enough for me. but i get stuck in this rut of thinking that i need more.
i begin to think that i deserve someone in my life to love me. i think that i deserve to be "happy" like that. i think that i deserve more than what God is allowing me to enjoy.
and i'm mad at myself. i'm angry with myself for thinking that i deserve anything good. and i'm mad at myself for thinking that God is holding out on me. I'm angry because i should be joyful in this moment and these circumstances. because i know that God is enough. always.
so maybe it's the wedding blogs i keep "stumbling" upon. or maybe it's the romance novels and smooth jazz every night before I go to bed. maybe it's spending the last 19 years as single as the day i was born and feeling like no one gets it. or cares. and feeling like that will never change.
i know i'm wrong. so, so wrong. but not because i know that "some day my prince will come." but because i know that God is still enough.
and regardless of if i'm waiting for one more year, or the rest of my years, i know that one day i will stand in the presence of someone who loves me more than life itself.
because what i deserve is death. and i deserve to be alone. but the mercy of my God keeps me from getting what i deserve. and i deserve the worst. His beautiful grace allows me to prosper.
so i will wait. i will wait and wait and wait. but i will live. and i will live fully. i will live for the day that I can look my lover in the eyes. for i am my beloveds and He is mine. and He is enough. always.


"if we are faithless, He remains faithful for He cannot deny Himself." - 2 Timothy 2:13

"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." - Romans 8:6

"He [Jesus] said to them [me], 'Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?'" -Mark 4:40

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry" - Psalm 40:1

O, taste and see that the Lord is good.