Blog About: Finals, Goodbyes and Lamas.

this week is awful.

and wonderful.

awfully wonderful and wonderfully awful. 

all i've done this week is study for my finals (over tomorrow at 10!) and say goodbye to my best friend. 

it's funny how you never realize how much someone is a part of your life until they aren't anymore. 

when i left for college i remember saying to my two best friends "i don't wanna make new friends" then i bawled on the whole drive home. 

the Lord has provided me with some of the best friends I could ever ask for. some of them have just showed up in my life in the last month or so and i am way thankful for them. We experience life together and hurt together and laugh together and are inappropriate together. we dream together (mostly about being married...) and we talk about boys together. and we have some of the most meaningful conversations i've ever had together. it's hard to believe that i've only known these girls (and in some cases, boys) no more than 8 months. not even the gestation period of a baby! (did i just say that?) 

we pray together on old main lawn for the Dalai lama while we eat free chipotle burritos. we hammock twice a day everyday. summer will be so hard apart from them.

speaking of the Dalai Lama...

he was on campus today. Rumor has it they're dispersing the sand painting that the monks did this week across Fayetteville. I've been told (but have no proof) that when the monks make these sand-paintings they mutter "mantras" under their breath, these "mantras," i've been told, conjure spirits. not good ones. I have to doubt that the Dalai Lama has the best intentions in the world but he is not of Christ, and i take what he says with a grain of sand (see what i did there? sorry, i'm tired...it's finals week.) peace is wonderful. I am all for peace. but I am for peace under and because of Christ. 

the Tibetan monks faith inspires me. I am so impressed by it. To have that much devotion makes me examine my own lifestyle. would i give up my "regular" world, give up my "regular" clothes, and my "regular" friends? i don't know. but i am thankful that I am called by God to be a light in the darkness, and to live among this world until He calls me home. I am thankful that this is not a decision i have to make. 

speaking of goodbyes...

I wasn't speaking of goodbyes? well, i am now.

they SUCK. why do i have to be away from people that make my heart so happy? 

at least this is not a final goodbye. not a goodbye of "see ya if i see ya." i know that these people are not leaving me forever. we will be reunited soon. if not on a summer road trip, or next fall, we will be reunited in our heavenly home. 

i am so overwhelmed with thankfulness that this world is not where it ends. 

this is not my home.

"someday I will wake

in a body that won't break 

on a ground that doesn't shake

not here.

someday I will live

in a house that's built by hands that hold the world."

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

hopelessness

hoplessness is: studying at Taco Bell.
just kidding.
now it's time for a real blog:

One year. A lot can happen in a year. 

I feel like one year ago I was a completely different person. 

365 days. 525,600 minutes. how do you measure the life of a man? 

Kevin Santos. Sophomore. Stillwater High School. giver of excellent high fives. always smiling like he had just done something mischievous. 

one year ago. 

gone. 

something i'll never understand is suicide. and i guess that's a good thing, but it's frustrating. 

Things i'll never forget:

the end of my senior year. my last musical ever. my friends and i were ripping seams and talking about how excited we were for the summer, we were all going to work crew, i was going to college and we were anxiously awaiting our futures to unfold before us. our lives were just beginning.  Shelbye walked into the room with tears streaming down her face. I thought she was just emotional because we were almost done with high school. not the case. that was how i found out that Kevin had killed himself. 

he had no more future. he wouldn't graduate high school. he wouldn't go to college. he wouldn't even get to experience the summer.

I had never really experienced death before. not of someone young. not of someone i knew. 

i was mad. i didn't believe it. i was heartbroken. how could God let someone become so hopeless? someone He was supposed to love? 

I still don't get it. 

things i'll never forget:

that afternoon and into the evening we all crowded together in the choir room. no one knew what to do, or say. we had to stay together, that's all we knew how to do. we cried. we were silent. we prayed. we yelled. we cried some more. i remember a man from a church talking to all of us, saying things like "what you're feeling is normal." and "it's okay to feel this way." and "i understand what you're going through." i'm sorry, Mr. church man, but you have no idea what i'm going through. no amount of education could possibly instruct you as to how to "deal with my feelings." i don't even know what my feeling are right now, i just want someone to hug me. no class in seminary can explain to you how being affected by suicide feels.  

the worst one, though, was being told that what i was feeling was "normal." 

there is nothing normal about that situation. nothing normal about a sixteen year old boy deciding that his life is no longer worth living. there is nothing normal about a giant pit opening up inside my stomach. nothing normal about not being able to eat for three days. nothing normal about crying all the time. nothing normal about a sixteen year old boy that smiled all the time feeling beyond hope. 

beyond hope. i cannot fathom. the Lord is my hope. 

I am alive today because the Lord has willed and I have hope in the fact that this day is not a mistake. i am meant to be here. if i am suffering, i am meant to suffer. He will deliver me. 

if only Kevin could have known joy in sorrow. 

things i'll never forget: 

May 3, 2010: spending all day crying. all chorale period smiling and remembering Kevin. singing like we never had before. healing our souls. 

things i'll never forget: 

May 5, 2010. the hardest thing i've ever had to do: singing at Kevin's funeral. i've never felt so alone, and i've never felt like everyone in the room knew exactly what i was feeling. holding hands and stumbling through our song, dedicated to Kevin. everything we did the rest of the year was for kevin.

things i'll never forget:

"The LORD is my refuge and strength, therefore I will not be afraid. Though the mountains give way, and fall into the sea, He will come and rescue me." 

"Blessed be the LORD, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, "I am cut off from your sight." But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help." -psalm 31:21-22

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him." Lamentations 3:22-24

this isn't about being hopeless. it's about how great hope in the Lord is. 

one year. 525,600 minutes. 

"if life is measured in love, i'm confident Kevin has life longer than all of us."

you are so missed, kev.