Luke 15.

sometimes I feel like the prodigal son. sometimes i feel like the brother. and sometimes, I feel like both.

"And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me share of property that is coming to me.'" 

I get so impatient with the Lord when I think that I'm doing well. I begin to think that i deserve some sort of reward for my faithfulness, or my "patience," or for my obedience. and i end up like the prodigal son, asking for my reward before i deserve it, or can handle it. I forget that my Father has plans that are far greater than i could ever imagine. and i end up eating filth with the pigs because i am too ashamed of my failure to run back to my Father who will welcome me with open arms.

"and he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything."


i dry up. and i get hungry. and there is no one to feed me because i have run away from my source of life. i began my settling for my own timing with my reward and kept settling until i was content to be eating with pigs.

"Father I have sinned against Heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your servants. And he arose and came to his father."


humility is hard. it is painful to admit that you need someone you ran away from, someone you practically wished dead. someone who's timing you thought insignificant compared to your own. being wrong is hard. and painful. and i am so often wrong.
i am the prodigal son.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." 


how deep my Father's love for me. this is so, so beautiful.
He loves unconditionally and keeps taking me back. time after time. even after i have abandoned His perfect plans for my own broken ones, He keeps taking me back.

i am also the other son.

"but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never game me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends."


i am angry when i don't stray from my Father's plans and i feel neglected because it seems like everyone else is getting what I want, and what I think I deserve.
I forget so easily! Lord help my unbelief. when i don't believe that You are good, and when I don't believe that You desire what is best for me, help my unbelief. help my forgetfulness, Lord.
remind me of Your goodness. and that You are sovereign. and that sovereignty means that I don't need to worry. or ask for my "share of the property" in advance. it means that I can rest joyfully content wherever I am because my God is good to me, and He is sovereign.
He knows my mess, and my desperation, and my longing, and my failures. and He takes me back every time.


"'For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to celebrate."


How beautiful is it that every time I come crawling back to my Father, He welcomes me with open arms. and there is cause for celebration.