Good news first, yeah?
okay, so Capernaum has absolutely taken off, and I couldn't be more ecstatic about that. The Lord has so graciously blessed us. We have a new team member, Brittany. She is incredible. Our team is coming together and our visions for this ministry have come together in a way that only the Lord could have orchestrated. and, friends, it is absolutely beautiful.
I don't think a day has passed in the last two weeks without some sort of "I'm SO EXCITED ABOUT CAPERNAUM" text message being exchanged between our team. plans are being made, and set in motion. We have so many fresh faces that are anxious to be involved in Young Life and that is an answer to prayer indefinitely. The Lord has continued to show me that in Him life is fruitful. and He is faithful. and He provides abundantly.
The only thing left to do now is wait. I hate waiting.
Which brings me to my next not-so-cherry thing.
I have been sheltered in my life by never having a boyfriend. never being forced to give up some part of my heart and not get it back. I (and every girl i complain to who has ever had her heart broken by a boyfriend) will admit that I have been blessed this way. and i know that the Lord has given graciously to me in this. He has been protecting me from what I cannot handle.
But I've been waiting for over nineteen years for someone to want me. and i feel like it's high time that some man of God gets his act together and pursues me. is that too much to ask?!
Because i go through these periods of being so peacefully content with Gods plan and being more than okay with still being alone because i know that the Lord is more than enough for me. But then i go through times of such intense want. and it's not that i forget that God is enough for me. but i get stuck in this rut of thinking that i need more.
i begin to think that i deserve someone in my life to love me. i think that i deserve to be "happy" like that. i think that i deserve more than what God is allowing me to enjoy.
and i'm mad at myself. i'm angry with myself for thinking that i deserve anything good. and i'm mad at myself for thinking that God is holding out on me. I'm angry because i should be joyful in this moment and these circumstances. because i know that God is enough. always.
so maybe it's the wedding blogs i keep "stumbling" upon. or maybe it's the romance novels and smooth jazz every night before I go to bed. maybe it's spending the last 19 years as single as the day i was born and feeling like no one gets it. or cares. and feeling like that will never change.
i know i'm wrong. so, so wrong. but not because i know that "some day my prince will come." but because i know that God is still enough.
and regardless of if i'm waiting for one more year, or the rest of my years, i know that one day i will stand in the presence of someone who loves me more than life itself.
because what i deserve is death. and i deserve to be alone. but the mercy of my God keeps me from getting what i deserve. and i deserve the worst. His beautiful grace allows me to prosper.
so i will wait. i will wait and wait and wait. but i will live. and i will live fully. i will live for the day that I can look my lover in the eyes. for i am my beloveds and He is mine. and He is enough. always.
"if we are faithless, He remains faithful for He cannot deny Himself." - 2 Timothy 2:13
"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." - Romans 8:6
"He [Jesus] said to them [me], 'Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?'" -Mark 4:40
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry" - Psalm 40:1
O, taste and see that the Lord is good.
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