Luke 15.

sometimes I feel like the prodigal son. sometimes i feel like the brother. and sometimes, I feel like both.

"And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me share of property that is coming to me.'" 

I get so impatient with the Lord when I think that I'm doing well. I begin to think that i deserve some sort of reward for my faithfulness, or my "patience," or for my obedience. and i end up like the prodigal son, asking for my reward before i deserve it, or can handle it. I forget that my Father has plans that are far greater than i could ever imagine. and i end up eating filth with the pigs because i am too ashamed of my failure to run back to my Father who will welcome me with open arms.

"and he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything."


i dry up. and i get hungry. and there is no one to feed me because i have run away from my source of life. i began my settling for my own timing with my reward and kept settling until i was content to be eating with pigs.

"Father I have sinned against Heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your servants. And he arose and came to his father."


humility is hard. it is painful to admit that you need someone you ran away from, someone you practically wished dead. someone who's timing you thought insignificant compared to your own. being wrong is hard. and painful. and i am so often wrong.
i am the prodigal son.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." 


how deep my Father's love for me. this is so, so beautiful.
He loves unconditionally and keeps taking me back. time after time. even after i have abandoned His perfect plans for my own broken ones, He keeps taking me back.

i am also the other son.

"but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never game me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends."


i am angry when i don't stray from my Father's plans and i feel neglected because it seems like everyone else is getting what I want, and what I think I deserve.
I forget so easily! Lord help my unbelief. when i don't believe that You are good, and when I don't believe that You desire what is best for me, help my unbelief. help my forgetfulness, Lord.
remind me of Your goodness. and that You are sovereign. and that sovereignty means that I don't need to worry. or ask for my "share of the property" in advance. it means that I can rest joyfully content wherever I am because my God is good to me, and He is sovereign.
He knows my mess, and my desperation, and my longing, and my failures. and He takes me back every time.


"'For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to celebrate."


How beautiful is it that every time I come crawling back to my Father, He welcomes me with open arms. and there is cause for celebration.

Patience.

Soundtrack for this post:

Good news first, yeah?
okay, so Capernaum has absolutely taken off, and I couldn't be more ecstatic about that. The Lord has so graciously blessed us. We have a new team member, Brittany. She is incredible. Our team is coming together and our visions for this ministry have come together in a way that only the Lord could have orchestrated. and, friends, it is absolutely beautiful.
I don't think a day has passed in the last two weeks without some sort of "I'm SO EXCITED ABOUT CAPERNAUM" text message being exchanged between our team. plans are being made, and set in motion. We have so many fresh faces that are anxious to be involved in Young Life and that is an answer to prayer indefinitely. The Lord has continued to show me that in Him life is fruitful. and He is faithful. and He provides abundantly.

The only thing left to do now is wait. I hate waiting.

Which brings me to my next not-so-cherry thing.
I have been sheltered in my life by never having a boyfriend. never being forced to give up some part of my heart and not get it back. I (and every girl i complain to who has ever had her heart broken by a boyfriend) will admit that I have been blessed this way. and i know that the Lord has given graciously to me in this. He has been protecting me from what I cannot handle.
But I've been waiting for over nineteen years for someone to want me. and i feel like it's high time that some man of God gets his act together and pursues me. is that too much to ask?!
Because i go through these periods of being so peacefully content with Gods plan and being more than okay with still being alone because i know that the Lord is more than enough for me. But then i go through times of such intense want. and it's not that i forget that God is enough for me. but i get stuck in this rut of thinking that i need more.
i begin to think that i deserve someone in my life to love me. i think that i deserve to be "happy" like that. i think that i deserve more than what God is allowing me to enjoy.
and i'm mad at myself. i'm angry with myself for thinking that i deserve anything good. and i'm mad at myself for thinking that God is holding out on me. I'm angry because i should be joyful in this moment and these circumstances. because i know that God is enough. always.
so maybe it's the wedding blogs i keep "stumbling" upon. or maybe it's the romance novels and smooth jazz every night before I go to bed. maybe it's spending the last 19 years as single as the day i was born and feeling like no one gets it. or cares. and feeling like that will never change.
i know i'm wrong. so, so wrong. but not because i know that "some day my prince will come." but because i know that God is still enough.
and regardless of if i'm waiting for one more year, or the rest of my years, i know that one day i will stand in the presence of someone who loves me more than life itself.
because what i deserve is death. and i deserve to be alone. but the mercy of my God keeps me from getting what i deserve. and i deserve the worst. His beautiful grace allows me to prosper.
so i will wait. i will wait and wait and wait. but i will live. and i will live fully. i will live for the day that I can look my lover in the eyes. for i am my beloveds and He is mine. and He is enough. always.


"if we are faithless, He remains faithful for He cannot deny Himself." - 2 Timothy 2:13

"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." - Romans 8:6

"He [Jesus] said to them [me], 'Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?'" -Mark 4:40

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry" - Psalm 40:1

O, taste and see that the Lord is good.