inevitable

I have been procrastinating this blog post for quite some time, my friends.
Not because I don't have anything to say; I have quite a bit to say.
But because there's too much to what I need to say. I have too many words, but none of them seem adequate.
And because I'm still not sure what it all means.
But isn't that the beauty of life; that it's uncertain, and it's up for interpretation, and it's all a big, big mystery?

Let's play catch up for a second:
I finished summer school. not quite as strongly as I would have liked, but I did pretty well.
I went back home for a day or so before leaving for summer staff.
This is where the words start to fail.
I was faced with the reality that I might not make it into the Communication Disorders program this fall. I came to the end of what I could give to make that happen. And even though my motivation and determination might have kicked in a little too late, I still wanted this so badly.

Fast forward:
I went to summer staff at Timberwolf Lake. 
Words also fail here.
being an AM cook kicked my butt. It was so, so hard to be there sometimes. Some days I wanted to quit; just pack up and go home. On those days, I got to see Jesus working so plainly that all doubt about where I was and what I was doing was wiped away.

We were on a "technology fast" at TWL. For about 24 hours every six days we got our phones back.
During one of these "sabbath days" I found out my final CGPA and consequently, whether or not I got into the CDIS program for the fall.
I fell short. Not by much. But by enough.
But where better to receive life-changing, terrible news than a Young Life camp with 50ish of your greatest friends?

My heart was not broken that day*. Or the next. Or the next. I had an incredible peace that can only be attributed to Christ. I should've been devastated. As of that day, I had no direction, no plan, no hope for the future, no goal in mind. I was an empty vessel. But I was ready to be used by the Lord. 
What better place to completely submit yourself to the Lord's will, and listen and look for the answer for your future than at Young Life camp with 50ish of your greatest friends?
So I waited. And I listened. And I prayed. And I begged God for direction and undeniable clarity. And I got silence.

When the silence finally lifted, do you know what the good Lord revealed? I am called to be Holy, just like Him. Holy means set apart. I have been set apart for something good. Something greater than I could ever ask for or imagine. And I have to submit to that idea before I can know a plan.

Here lies the issue: I only ever planned on doing something that I could conceive of. But what if, just maybe, His plan is bigger than that? What if all this time, I've been missing out because I've been so focused on asking Him to come alongside my mediocre path? I've been asking Him to come "bless my mess" instead of asking Him to come clean shop and start from scratch.

Here's the lie I think we believe all to easily: We have to have it all figured out.

I don't have an answer to the question "what's your major?" and I don't have an answer to the question "what do you want to do?" and I definitely don't have an answer to the question "where are you going to be in two years?" but I do have an answer to the follow up question: I don't know because I won't commit to something that I can't see through to fruition. And I'm done wasting my time pretending like I know what I'm doing, and where I'm going when I really have no idea. I won't pretend to have it all figured out anymore. I don't have to have it all figured out.

And that freedom is absolutely beautiful.

All God asks of me is to follow Him step by step. One foot in front of the other. One at a time.
And this, right now, this uncertainty and this mess that I seem to have gotten myself into is beautiful.
It's beautiful because the Lord of all creation is right here next to me. He's holding my hand and He's directing my steps. He's catching me when I stumble, He's refocusing my distracted gaze, and He's wiping away every tear.
Right here is right where He wants me right now.

After summer staff I debated coming back to school.
With no direction and no plans and no motivation to do school anymore (I wasn't even convinced that I needed to be in school anymore; I'm still not convinced) I didn't see the point in being back in classrooms.
I applied for a semester long internship at a Young Life Camp. I didn't hear back until it was too late. I wound up at school anyway. I struggled to find open classes. None of the classes I'm in are helping me towards any sort of degree program. From where I stand right now, I'll be a super senior at the very least.
This brings us up to date pretty much.
And this is the hardest part:

*I'm pretty much heartbroken.
This place that I'm at is impossible. As beautiful as it might be when I look at it objectively or in hindsight, that doesn't help how I feel right now. And right now my heart is broken.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like I'm a disappointment.
I feel like a loser.
I feel like a bum.
I am searching high and low for direction.
I am chasing every day dream that crosses my mind and friends, that is exhausting.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of talking about my future.
I'm tired of not knowing.
And quite frankly I'm tired of having to wait on the Lord.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm spinning my wheels; of coming up empty.
I'm tired of being surrendered to a path of unknowns.
I'm tired of people saying "You're a junior and you still don't have a major?"
I'm tired of always being reminded that I have no direction.

And I'm not leaning on the Lord like I should in this impossible place.

I am standing in the desert. Thirsty. Knees bent, head turned upward, arms outstretched. I am praying for rain. I am praying for my life. I won't stop. 

"Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." -Hosea 6:3